Friday, September 21, 2012

Working for Grace

Statement: "You are a fighter."

My reacting thoughts: "What does that even mean?"

After about a week, I think I get it. I think it can be positive or negative.
I AM a fighter. I fight to do the right thing. I fight to hear God's voice. I fight to please Him, to make Him like me better.

--Flashback:: She said "There is a striving in you that God wants to stop. I don't know if it's so that people will like you better, or that God will like you better, but it's a lie." --

Why do I fight? Why do I beg and plead to hear God's explicit direction? Why do I fight to hear truth from
people, when God has already given me truth in His Word? I am a fighter? Time out!! I don't need to be. Jesus is fighting for me. Actually, He has already won. When He died on the cross He didn't say "It is begun." He didn't say "It will be finished." He cried out with everything He had left "IT IS FINISHED."
Done. That's it. Nothing else. "It is finished." The battles to kill my flesh? I don't need to- I can't- fight them. I have to let Him do that. The wall I feel is there, somehow blocking me from
Him? Only He can make it fall. All the doubt, the confusion, the lack of knowing precisely what to do, the worry, the over active imagination, the logic/ seemed lack of logic, the questions, everything-- Why have I been trying to fight them on my own the past couple of days? I'm trying to earn what's already been given to me freely.
I think maybe if I can show Him I'm dedicated, maybe if I can do the right thing, maybe if I can show Him I want to be obedient, then maybe He will speak. Maybe He will finally give me wisdom and direction.
What is that?! Cleaning up my act before I come to Him? No. Just no! He knows my life is messy. He knows, and He's always known, that I'll fail Him. He knows, but He loves me anyway. He is Yahweh. The personal, covenant keeping God. He doesn't agree to keep the promises if I hold up my end. There are no conditions. He promised on that cross that It is finished, and that is what he meant. The battle is already won. I am not fighting for victory, but fighting from it. I don't need to do anything. Except trust, and wait. That is it.

Jesus, forgive me for fighting a battle that I don't even belong in. You have the victory, and You have won. I can't earn anything from You. I can't fight for peace, because I can't understand it. You promise peace that passes understanding. So instead of wisdom, I am asking for Your peace. I'm asking You to quiet my mind and my heart and let me hear You in the quiet whisper. You have won, and I am not big enough to mess up Your plan.

Challenge: "Sit quietly and wait.Stop fighting."

Reward: peace.

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