untitled

I have two friends....sisters that I that I say speak in code. I kind of joke about it with my other friends that know them, and I've told them this before. I legitimately feel like they speak in code sometimes. It's not really code... It's just that what they say is so profound and of God that it takes a second... or sometimes a day or so... for me to  fully comprehend what in the world they just said.  Because truly, I'm the least analytical person in the world. I just don't get things. I really like direct answers, direct statements, easy solutions, obvious choices.... But I've realized that I do NOT like direct questions. Because direct questions have an aim, a purpose. They force honest, unrehearsed answers. They sometimes sting, and they always throw me off guard.

My flesh really hates direct questions.

My sisters love them.

See a problem?

The question of the day:  "Do you ever wonder who you are?"

1st thought: heckawhat? what does that even mean??!!

2nd thought, after a few minutes of processing? YES.

My own answer kind of surprised me. Why do I wonder? Don't I know I'm a daughter of the King of Kings? Don't I believe His promise that says I'm his and I'm valued simply because He loves me? Do I remember the fact that only His opinion matters?  Don't I trust that He knows what's best?

Nope.

Well, my head knows. My heart doesn't get it. Not always. But I think that is because I've allowed everything else to get in there. I allow pride and laziness and selfishness and pride and mixed up priorities and boredom and dreams and pride and entertainment and media and noise and busyness and pride and fun and school and worry and anxiety and idolatry and  insecurity(which is pride) to get in the way. I let all of that junk crowd out what my soul actually longs for: Jesus Christ.

I also think I want Jesus in a way that really means I want his blessings  more than Christ himself. What is that about? If I'd just want Christ himself, not His stuff, my heart would be in a much better condition than this:


I serve people because I want them to recognize me.
I want other people to make me feel valuable and worth it.
I take compliments like a drug- left unsatisfied and wanting more.
I'm falsely humble.
I want people I admire to say they love me.
I fight to be the favorite.
I use my writing to draw people to me rather than to God.
I have favorites.
I get obsessed with people really easily.
I overlook those around me while I'm looking for those who I think are better.
I get satisfied with just unintentionally bumping shoulders with God in the middle of a crowd rather than touching Him on purpose. (talking a lot about him, not with him)
I pretend to love others, when really, I love myself a lot more.



God,
Oh God, change my fickle heart. I'm like Peter- proclaiming my love for You one day and denying You the next...then proclaiming my love again. I flip flop between actually loving You and only pretending to. Most of the time I can't even make it a full day in which I passionately pursue You all day. I somehow think that praying for other people's needs and concerns, while ignoring my own desperate need for You will still get me close to You. I pretend that my relationship with You is strong and passionate. But I can't sit still long enough for You to work. I'm unwilling to wait for Your voice, Your direction. I ask for signs and complain when I don't see them. But really, I don't see them and I don't hear You because I'm not taking the time to. You aren't silent, But if I would be, I would know Your voice. I would actually burn for You instead of acting like it. I would desire to be invisible, so that instead of thanking me, people thank You. I would want to be secretly incredible, like a hero without a cape. I would be much more effective. Instead of worrying if people saw me and said I look like You, I'd be concerned if You think I look like You. Instead of pretending that my bracelet's and necklaces and Christian t-shirts draw people to You, I'd know I  have to use my words to preach Your Gospel.
Lord, I had no idea what it meant when I said "My life for Your Gospel." I had no idea what I was saying. I still don't get it. Oh, but I want to. I want my heart to look like Your heart. I want to be an accurate reflection of You... because after all, I am made in Your image. I want my heart to be free from these paper chains that I hold onto. There is that song that says "We are free to struggle, not struggling to be free" My flesh doesn't want to struggle. It would much rather sit out on this fight. The fight that Your Spirit is waging. It would much rather be complacent. It wants to be satisfied with temporary things. No, I don't want to struggle. I don't want to fight this sin. I don't want to. It hurts, and it's scary and it's hard. But if I'm ever going to be where You are, I have to allow You to control. I have to allow You to chisel away the pieces of my life that are just dead weight. I have to allow You to break me. I have to be willing to be scared, to be reminded of the hard things. I have to be willing to fight. I have to be willing to run---away from the sin You show me and into Your grace. I have to be willing to struggle. I have to be willing to permanently put down the baggage that I carry around. I've put it down, then picked it up, then put it down again. I have to give it to You for good, praying every day that You kill my pride and give me a desire for You. I have to be willing to get the answer that prayer entails. I have to trust You and take You at Your word. I have to. I have to. I have to.
I can NOT live with a heart like mine anymore. I can NOT ignore the things You do. I can't live in rebellion to You anymore. Oh, Abba, please help  me. I'm scared, because I know what this prayer could mean. I know what You are capable of......But, at the same time, I want this..because if my heart is humble and I'm an empty vessel, I know what You are capable of.
I can only operate in Your grace. Change my fickle heart.

In Jesus' name,
Amen