Monday, August 27, 2012

Oh, Abba....

I'm "fleshing out" -badly. I have allowed my flesh to take control. I allowed the literal hurricane to cause a metaphorical one. The past few hours has been controlled chaos. Phone calls and text messages swarmed me.  Decisions and options came flying at me at an airplane's pace. I decided what to do, then when back on it, then back again, then back AGAIN. I got confused, and hurried, and stressed. On top of that, I began pretending again. Pretending that I was trusting You. And I got really shallow. I went back to the part of me that says "If you do this, people will like you better. If you say this, everyone will think you are a good friend. If you act like this, that person will love you more. " I believed that lie again. I then ended up being jealous again... of someone  whom I thought had the affection I desired. I craved attention like a drug. Then, when I got it, I was still left unsatisfied, begging for more. Begging for people to love me, to trust me. My pride was taking over.  All the while, I felt You calling me to pause, to just sit still in Your presence. I didn't. I chose to try to be satisfied with everything else.  I chose facebook and tv and food and friends and everything in between. I repeatedly said You were good and in control. But I wasn't allowing you to be. Now, I realize that You are the only thing that can satisfy me. That junk was  the pre-Africa me, even the pre-Ecuador me. I have not acted that way in a really really long time. And, the crazy thing is, I saw it happening. I saw myself sinning, slipping further and further down this slope. You were convicting me, but I wasn't listening. I was pretending, stressing, talking, and craving.  I kept doing and doing and doing, trying to fill my own heart up. Then I ended up on my friend's dorm room floor, just staring at the cieling and saying "ugghhhhhhhhh" over and over. I finally come back to my room, and turn on worship music. The song that came on opens with "I hear the Savior say, 'Thy strength indeed is small. Child of weakness, watch and pray. Find in Me thine All in All.'" You are so good. You know that was my  theme song of my Africa trip. You remember the night when I sat on my bed crying over my very sick friend, then hearing that song. You knew it would instantly bring me back to that moment. You knew it would still my soul. You knew that it would cause this entry. You knew it would remind me that I told You there " I give everything to You."
You remebered, and You reminded me.   You have kept Your end of the covanent, but I have not. I am so sorry. I'm sorry that I haved desired everything else before You. I'm sorry I'm selfish, even in my prayers. Father, forgive me. Thank you for Your redemption. Thank You that Your grace covers me, and that You love me still. Help me, Jesus. I'm scared. I don't want the old me to come back. The hurts I caused in that time are still there. Time has caused them to scar, but it takes one mess up to open them. Don't let it happen. Help me refuse the drug of attention. Help me remember I'm never alone. Make me selfless. Kill my pride, every bit of it. Even now, change my fickle heart.
In Jesus' name

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