It is 10 am and this day has already been a struggle. Mainly because I sin.
Earlier this morning I began to write this:
"I resent some people I've never even met. Yep. I do. And some people that I have met. Why? Because I'm protective, and obsessive. When I become friends with someone, I pretty much sign up for life. It's true. But the problem is, part of me wants to be their favorite friend. Like, they can't love anyone else as much as-- and definitely not more than-- me. No, I must be the favorite. I must be the one they tell everything to, the one they miss most, the one they talk to most, the one they love most. They can have other friends, but they have to like me better. AND I worry whether or not they mean the phrase "I love you' when they say it to me. I SO desperately want them to mean it, but I tend to think it is just a phrase.........What is that about?!"
and just now *ding* an email. I exited out of my blog app and opened my mail. It was from another blog I subscribe to. It was about how the author cares much about what others think, but that we should actually care what Christ thinks. OH, did I mention the writer of this blog was one of the very friends I was thinking about when I began writing my initial post, a friend that I am obsessive and protective over?
God did that on purpose.
It was so much of a confirmation and a reminder of where I was going with my original post. God's opinion matters- not those of people.
Not only do my friend and I both struggle with a desire to be loved and liked and thought about, but it reminded me that she is incredibly human-
just. like. me.
Why do I care so much about whether she, or any other friend, misses me?
Why do I repeatedly check to see if that dumb "like" button has been clicked on my posts?
Why do I absolutely crave the love and approval of people?
How often do I ask God what He thinks of me?
not often enough.
I spend so much time sending encouraging messages to people. Do I do it truly to encourage, or because I want them to think I'm sweet?
I spend hours daydreaming, scheming, and planning surprises. Why? to bring God's joy, or to get a higher rank on my imaginary "surprise mastery" scale?
Why do I do the things I do? for my glory or for God's? I don't ask that enough. I don't ask Him if he would click "like" on my actions. I don't ask Him if I am bringing glory to Him. But I should. Because He LOVES me! a lot. More than any person ever could. ever. His opinion is what matters. That is it. nothing else. It does not matter whether or not another imperfect human just like me approves of me. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Because when Yahweh says "I love you" He really, really really means it.
This is my prayer of confession. I am so sorry that I care more about what people think than what You think. Please forgive me. Please change my heart. make it look like Yours. I say I love You, but I want my life to line up with that. I want to care more about what You have to say about me than what people have to say. Help me to remember that You and You alone are what matters. I want my life to be for nothing except Your glory.