I don't even know how to start this blog. But I read a friend's post earlier this morning and I literally can't stop thinking about it.... Well, not so much the post, but what God said to me through it.
For those of you that know me or have heard my story, you know that I used to struggle a lot with severe insecurity. I always thought that no one liked me- even my friends. Well, I'd just like to add here that I was a complete dummy in believing that. But anyway, during my trip to Ecuador, a lot of things happened. I had eye surgery, a blood transfusion, and got married.
Obviously, those aren't literal, so let me explain. The eye surgery was basically a sermon about learning to see yourself, your sin, and others the way that God sees it. The blood transfusion was a symbolic thing we did to say that, as Christians, Jesus bought us with his blood and we are not our own. The marriage was set up just like a normal wedding. Each of us signed a certificate stating our commitment to God, and we received a ring made out of a nail. Well, in those things(and others) God poured out his love on me. I never cry, never. But during those instances I cried like a baby. Because God created my soul, so of course he'd know how to touch it! He just told me over and over that I'm his princess and his bride, and that nothing- nothing else matters.
"Don't you see what I did for you? I LOVE you, my daughter. Give your life to me, your heart to me. I won't hurt it. I was beaten, mocked, and spat on for you. Then I died a slow and painful death. I did it all for you- just because I love you that much. You've worked so hard to try to match what you think people want from you. You've spent too much time worrying yourself sick about what people think of you. I love you, and that's all that matters. I know your heart and I will give you the desires there, if you follow me. Come to me."
Oh man. I'm tearing up and I have chills just writing that! God poured himself out on me and when I came home I didn't care so much about what people think. I don't. But, every now and then, those feelings creep back up.
Sometimes I feel like I'm putting more effort into a relationship than the other person is. I've always gotten attached easily and trusted quickly. I think I'm really close to someone but that's not always the case; they may feel differently. So, when I lose touch with a friend I once thought I was really close to, it hurts. Or when I text a friend that I don't see very much and they don't respond or the conversation is short, I wonder why.(yet, I sometimes do the same thing) I get caught up in thinking about all the possible reasons. It's usually just because the other person is busy,but I assume it because I annoy them or something along those lines. I complain to God and ask him to reconnect me and the other person. This has happened a lot lately. But through my friend's blog post this morning, He told me I'm worrying too much about that. I need to reconnect with Him first, because I've gotten lazy and lost focus. He still loves me immensely and hasn't stopped, but my own love for him has faded. I crave relationships with people, but not the God who made them-the God who made me. The wedding ring from Ecuador was supposed to be a symbol of my commitment. But I'm not as committed as I should be.
I'm reminded of a phrase I heard a few weeks ago at a retreat: "Oh my soul, it is enough that the Father loves you." So what if I'm not best friends with everyone. I have a Friend who understands me more than anyone else. So what if I've tried to stay in touch with someone, but they haven't returned the favor? I have a God who is always present, always awake, always listening. So what if one person doesn't like me? I'm the bride of Christ who loves me!
I look at this nail ring on my left hand and I'm reminded of my commitment to Christ. But I'm also reminded of his commitment to me. Looking at the ring, I can almost audibly hear the King of kings whispering,
"Oh, my daughter, it is enough that I love you."