tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85228182455605945532024-03-14T03:01:10.018-06:00SnapshotsBrief glimpses into the life I try to live well.
"I am confident of this: that He who began the work in you will carry it to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-75952678068438021032017-05-18T22:53:00.001-06:002017-05-20T00:03:53.266-06:00When Your World Explodes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"Nobody wakes up thinking 'My world will explode today. My world will change'. Nobody thinks that. But sometimes it happens. We wake up. We face our fears, we take them by the hand...and then we stand there, waiting, hoping, ready for anything."- Meredith Grey.<br />
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Y'all (AKA my 3 readers ) know I love a good Grey's quote. Not all the lovely voice overs are worth repeating,</div>
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But this one is right.</div>
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Every single person on this earth is vulnerable. One phone call, one doctor visit, or one news story away from our world crumbling down.</div>
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Christ himself said "In this world you will have trouble." </div>
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If you haven't had a moment in which you felt like you couldn't breathe after news you just received, I hate to say it...but it will come.</div>
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Some of you might be setting up arguments in your head. "But I'm a Christian. My faith is strong. I believe God will get me through anything." Oh, I know. But... I don't care how Christianly you are, you are human. As am I. And as humans, it means there are things that are too big for us to handle. There have been and will continue to be moments that knock us off our feet. </div>
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So what do you do in that moment? </div>
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Or what if it's a season of those moments? </div>
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What if time and time and time again, you receive bad news? </div>
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What if you hurt, then heal, then hurt again?<br />
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The quote states that we hold the fear's hand, standing there waiting for anything...I don't know about grabbing the fear by the hand, but So often we grasp at anything we can get our hands on to bring us steadiness, numbness, or a feeling of safety. The explosion is so abnormal and so scary that we reach for anything to calm the fears, even if for a second.</div>
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So what do you reach for...</div>
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Television? </div>
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Alcohol? </div>
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Sleep? </div>
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What about Facebook? </div>
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Or medicines and natural remedies?</div>
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Or what about people?<br />
Food, perhaps?</div>
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The last time you thought you were walking on waves and suddenly found yourself sinking, what was the first thing you did? That first thing will tell you countless things about your own soul. </div>
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I make phone calls. Before I even suck in the next breath of air between sobs, I run through the list of people. I send frantic text messages and if none of those get answered I pick a person to call. </div>
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It doesn't surprise me, because I have a habit of carving graven images out of my friends and forgetting my God. </div>
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Some of you may numb your feelings with hours of television, or you may repeatedly refresh your news feed. Others of you may crave something sweet or something chemical. Still others may turn to sex, pornography, or romantic relationships. Some of you may pour essential oils in every diffuser in your home grasping for balance, and another someone may stare at something that will cause you harm contemplating if the harm will bring you relief. </div>
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So barring all holds, look yourself in the eye and tell the truth. Think back to the last moment, day, or season of pain. Where did you go? To what did you turn instead of Christ? </div>
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No one reading this is any more broken than the other readers, <b>or the writer.</b> We just have different brands of brokenness. But we all have a brand, and that's the point. Humans are frail, fragile idol makers with hearts that seek to anchor themselves to anything that won't actually work. </div>
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But there is hope. </div>
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There is an actual anchor that is solid, strong, and sure. </div>
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This anchor is eternal and eternally satisfying. </div>
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He stands outside of our time and our world, and He is in control of it all. </div>
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Christ alone, Cornerstone. </div>
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That drink will not fix your soul. </div>
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That friend will let you down.</div>
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This show won't fill the void. </div>
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That pornography will destroy you from the inside out. </div>
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Jesus Christ will breathe life into your soul like flowing water in a parched desert. He had the power at creation to breathe life into humans, and he can do it again. His Word is living and active and filled with hope and joy. Christ came so that his followers could have life more abundantly, so really we miss out when we turn to anything else. And above that, things we turn to first and primarily are nothing short of idols just like the golden calf in Exodus 32. </div>
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Oh, friend, hear me out. I get it, I've done it, and I understand. But it's time to do something different. Next time something threatens to make your world explode, hit your knees. Cry out to God and raise your hands to Heaven. I'm not saying it makes the pain less real or less valid. But it will make it less dangerous. Tear down your idols and trust your God. </div>
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<i>"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world."-John 16:33</i></div>
Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-32171707036657565102017-04-27T21:50:00.002-06:002017-04-27T21:50:53.978-06:00When Darkness Comes <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls...."</div>
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Translation: I don't have what I need for today. There's no visible fruit. I don't have anything stocked up, and nothing is coming. Today does not look good. And ya know, tomorrow doesn't look good either.No blossoms promise of fruit still to come. l don't have much hope long term, either. No crops today means no crops next year. No cows and no sheep now mean no livestock later.</div>
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= My life is hard, it's dark, and don't see it getting better anytime soon.</div>
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(from Habakkuk 3;17, by the way)</div>
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Anyone ever been there? In that spot when things look bad and feel bad and sound bad and maybe ARE bad? Has anyone been in that darkness? Have you been there?! Certainly. Certainly and surely I am not the only one who has ever felt like I am in a pitch black room with no exists and no cracks of light and no air flow. Life can feel that way. You know how I know?</div>
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Not only have I been trained in mental health (50% of this nation are or have been diagnosed with depression-a constant darkness-by the way.) But I have listened to people who see darkness all around them, and hello-I've been a human for 23 years. Grief, trial, chaos, sickness, failure and sin plague this broken world. But just in case your own human experience is not enough to convince you, look at Scripture. In this verse, HABAKKUK FELT THE SAME WAY.</div>
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So did David when he cried "How long, Oh Lord?"</div>
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and Job when everything was taken</div>
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As well as Elijah, Hannah, Paul, and many others.</div>
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As Matt Chandler points out in a sermon called "A Glimpse of Maturity", darkness is a part of life. Our problems and pain do not always resolve quickly.</div>
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But, as I type that, I'm reminded of Isaiah 45: 7 in which God says "I create light and form darkness"</div>
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So, darkness is not a by product of light, but a creation in and of itself. Do you know what that means? It means the darkness has a purpose.</div>
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AND. Psalm 139 gives us a beautiful promise:</div>
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"Even the darkness is not dark to You. The night is as bright as day. for darkness is as light to You."</div>
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Okay, so here's the application. Does your situation look hopeless? Do you look around you and see nothing but destruction or loss? Maybe circumstances are totally out of your control, or maybe you've been sowing a certain seed-praying a certain prayer, doing certain activities, investing in a certain person- and hoping to see a result but have none yet or it looks like your efforts have failed and you see no fruit if your labor. How dark does it feel?</div>
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Good news: The darkness you're in, no matter how bleak and black it seems, is not dark to God.</div>
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I repeat. Your. Darkness. Is. Not. Dark. To. God.</div>
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When your boss fires you,</div>
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when your health fails,</div>
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when your family members die,</div>
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when your heart hurts,</div>
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when the future is unknown,</div>
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when your therapist or doctor doesn't know the answer,</div>
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when your church hurts you,</div>
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your friends betray you,</div>
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your family hates you,</div>
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or when you feel like God is distant</div>
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and before you know it you find yourself screaming at the sky and punching your steering wheel or crying on your bedroom floor asking "God, when are you going to do something?!"</div>
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Your darkness is not dark to God.</div>
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He is outside of time and space, so he sees so much more than you can. He sees the other side to your story...and I promise there is another side. Ecclesiastes promises that there is a time for everything and that everything is proper in its time. Beyond that, Philippians 1:6 states that God will complete the work he began in you. AND God promises in Romans 8 that ALL things work together for those who love God and are called. All. Every little thing. Every season of darkness. It will work for good. We serve a God who is faithful and good, and he sits on his throne high above any and every dark cloud that oppresses us so strongly. He's not scared by that cloud, not surprised by the cloud, and he is certainly not blinded by the cloud, like you and I often tend to be.</div>
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The rest of the verse I quoted at the top of this blog says this..."Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. Habakkuk understood a piece of the puzzle I often miss. Sure, the situation or season may be dark. Today may look bad and tomorrow may look worse, but God is bigger. Habakkuk understood. Habakkuk preached to his own soul and declared God's saving power in the midst of turmoil. Habakkuk chose to believe in the God who created darkness, can change things in an instant, and will carry us through when He chooses not to.</div>
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Darkness is terrifying, confusing, and suffocating at times, but I pray today you place your hope on the higher ground that is our Sovereign and sure Father.</div>
Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-84376688128894906182016-09-05T16:51:00.001-06:002016-09-05T22:31:13.420-06:00Life Lessons from Rogue Razors Fact:<br />
One week ago, my family said goodbye to my grandfather. To the man I loved more than anyone else in the world.<br />
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Currently, I have a two inch long gash on my right ankle, where a shaving razor went rogue yesterday.<br />
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The two facts are unrelated. Why bother sharing about them both?<br />
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Because, today, as I nursed my external wound, I remembered something about the other one. Here's the story.<br />
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The cut on my leg is basically raw skin. Well, it was yesterday. Yesterday when I cut myself, I felt almost nothing. It stung a teeny bit, but it wasn't until I looked down that I understood the damage. I saw that the injury was far worse than I originally thought. And boy, did it bleed. Maybe that grosses you out, and maybe that's TMI. but, wow. For a shallow cut, it bled an incredible amount. Over time, the massive amount stopped, but small droplets were still surfacing even two hours later.<br />
It hurt, a little, but it was okay. I placed gauze on it, and it protected it, thus easing the pain greatly.<br />
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This morning, The gauze was stuck to it, so I had to carefully, slowly peel it off. The cut is now really bright red. Not bleeding, but not scabbed over yet. No, now it is just raw, tender, and stinging. It doesn't always hurt, but if it gets touched in just the right way, the sting goes all the way up my spine. Or if I even think about it too much, and bring my attention to it, the thoughts make me cringe. There's a very thin layer of something like skin over the top, but its not protective. And it can come off so so easily, and there's the sting again.<br />
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When my grandfather passed away, the event was shocking to my entire system. While we saw it coming, it sent waves through everything I ever thought I knew. Like my ankle, I didn't hurt instantly. I made it almost 48 whole hours without breaking down. I cried, yes, but I held it together. But then, there came a moment when I saw how much damage had been done. I saw the pain of family members, I remembered why I was at home, and suddenly I realized all the things one realizes after a death. It was then that the pain hit, and hit hit HARD. My drive home that day was the worst day I've ever experienced I think. I wept bitterly for two hours straight, and it stung. It was a huge rush of emotion, just like the gushing of blood from my ankle. The pain was raw and real and taking over.<br />
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That day ended, and the flood stopped. The emotions stopped bursting forth that weekend, but even still, some smaller ones come to the surface. Last Monday, the funeral provided closure and joy. I felt satisfied and at peace. It's like the ceremonies were so beautiful that they protected me from negative emotions for a bit. They were the thin layer of skin, if you will.<br />
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*sigh* but, if you're following the analogy, there is about to come the comparison of tearing off the gauze.<br />
Yeah, that's happened too.<br />
See, a dear friend of mine experienced a similar loss just a few days ago. This was the trigger that acted like the ripping off of the bandage. The wound I thought was okay was okay no longer. It became angry and stinging again. The thin layer of protection was ripped away, and the ache followed me around, in the background, for a day or two, and has followed through today.<br />
My ankle stings. It's raw, and my toes are curling up and there's a wince on my face as I type about it.<br />
My heart hurts. The bandage has been taken off, and the pain came back. Which is okay. I'm not<br />
afraid of the pain on my leg, nor am I afraid of my other pain. No, I don't like to think about it, and it<br />
makes me cringe with knots in my stomach. But I understand pain comes before healing.<br />
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Soon, my ankle will form a scab. The sting will be gone, and the gash won't be as tender to the touch. Clothes won't hurt, and it won't need a bandage. But, I'm certain, that if its hit in just the right way, it will bleed again.<br />
Then, eventually, it will stop bleeding... But it will scar. The pain will probably go away, but the effects will forever be visible and serve as a reminder.<br />
Also, my skin will not heal on its own... Well, it will, but it will take a much shorter time if I care for it and nurture it like I should. I use the right "tools"- medicines, bandages, and even a friend who forced me to cover it before bedtime. I don't just pretend my ankle is okay. If I do, it may get infected or not heal well.<br />
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One day, soon, my heart won't be as sensitive. I'll be able to hear about a broken arm without my eyes welling up, and I'll be able to look at elderly people without the tip of my nose tingling. I'll be able to hear the word "death" and it won't bring images flooding back to my mind. I'll see hospitals and not try to hold myself together. But I am certain, that if I'm ever hit just the right way at the right time, my pain will come again for a time.<br />
Right now, I care for myself by reaching for the right tools... I reach out, and I dig in deep. I don't just pretend I'm okay, because my pain will only increase. I first look UP to my Heavenly Father and I reach out to my tribe.<br />
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One day later, years or decades from now, I won't be "bleeding" anymore at all. But, the scar will remain. My life will never again look the way it looked just two weeks ago. I will forever have a scar that tells this story. My family will too. We'll see the scar in the empty chair at Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter. We'll notice the changes in life, just as I will notice the changes in my skin.<br />
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But the point is, eventually, the level of pain I have now will pass.<br />
Eventually the bleeding will stop.<br />
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Eventually, I will be okay.<br />
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Wherever you are, and whatever your specific pain is, eventually, you're bleeding will stop, too. You may scar, and you may hurt for a very long time. But I promise, the bleeding will stop.<br />
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After all, it always does.<br />
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<br />Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-53713829834155435412016-05-06T14:25:00.001-06:002016-05-06T15:23:38.130-06:00College reviewLast night I was asked a very interesting question. It was thought provoking and sent me into the mode of reviewing the movie in my mind.<br />
“What’s one thing you've learned each year?”<br />
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How do I answer that? How do I encompass all of the tears, the laughter, fights, the worship, the moments screaming to a God I wasn't sure was there, the bible studies, and 12 months each time into one topic? I can't. This is definitely a reflection for me, but maybe it'll help one of you, too.<br />
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Freshman year<br />
This was the year everything was new. I was a baby. I knew nothing of what it was like to do anything on my own nor how to make friends outside of the high school classroom. Cafeteria food was my go to, and there was the occasional easy mac in my dorm.<br />
I learned how to live with someone not my family, but also how much I cherished my family back home. I learned how to manage my time ( Note: studying all the time and foregoing everything else is NOT the answer) and I learned that it's actually not a good thing to go to multiple multiple Bible studies a week. (Pick one or 2 and really invest)<br />
I learned what dorm life was like and that personal heaters are a lifesaver in 100 year old buildings.<br />
I learned that sometimes roommates don't get along and that's probably why they invented community study rooms.<br />
I learned what it was like to go home in Christmas break and ache to return to what you now considered home.<br />
I learned that in college you are not the academic rockstar you thought you were, and for the very first time, I made barely passing grades on papers and assignments.<br />
I learned how not to study- Don’t stress so much about that history exam. And don't study the night before.<br />
I learned how to make new friends and have new goals. And at the same time I learned that high school relationships don't last forever.<br />
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Freshman year was year number 1. God taught me that if I focus on him, everything will be okay. If you look at Jesus instead of the question you have, Je solves it all.<br />
I learned how to live.<br />
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Sophomore year I was challenged like no other.<br />
I learned that you absolutely cannot take people for granted,no matter how close your beds are. Just because you share a living space and a wall does not mean you will see them. Be intentional with your roommates.<br />
I learned that we are all broken people and need each other, and in sophomore year I cried more than ever before combined.<br />
I learned that Christians have varying beliefs, on various issues. Not everyone loves Jesus exactly the way I do, but as long as they love Jesus--that's the point. Just because someone believes..say, alcohol is ok and you don't, it does not mean they are not saved. Don't spend your time weeping over something out of your control<br />
I learned that going back and forth on your word can really, really hurt people- it's really important to stick to your word.<br />
I learned that being a member of a church, instead of bouncing around week by week, is vital.<br />
It's also really important to actually BE in church. If you are the nursery or children's church helper every single week for both hours, no matter how much they pay you, your spiritual life will suffer.<br />
I learned how to have a job for the first time, and that adult life isn’t always fair.<br />
I learned that staying up late with friends is more than worth it, and that it’s okay to be adventurous and do things you’ve never done before(climbing on a roof, for instance) It's okay to be silly, and not take yourself so dang seriously.<br />
Back to beliefs. I also learned that sometimes, there are wolves in sheep's clothing, and while they seem to preach truth, they are far from it.<br />
I learned that goodbyes are really hard.<br />
I learned that there is deep, vivid healing community when we stop hiding in our sin and shame.<br />
I learned that “wounds from a friend are better than flattery from an enemy” Tough love might just save your life. It did mine.<br />
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Sophomore year God grew me by leaps and bounds. I had to trust him with my everything. I had nothing left in me. He carried me.<br />
Sophomore year I learned how to suffer well.<br />
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Junior year I transitioned again. This time back to my home town.<br />
I learned what shallow loneliness looked like. While I was around familiar faces and places, my heart felt hurt and alone.<br />
I learned that a Christian education is not something to be taken for granted. And heck, if you have one professor that cares about you or notices you, HOLD ON TO THEM. Invest in that relationship, because they are rare.<br />
I learned that people will sometimes use your past against you and that people have to earn a spot of trust.Along that vein,I learned to forgive and just what is meant by “forgiveness is for you, not them”<br />
I learned that school is not just about learning. It's about the people around you, too.<br />
I met lots of new people. Some of them stuck, some of them were only for a season or a class.<br />
I learned that cafeteria food is actually not that great, and it's wayyyy cheaper to bring your lunch. (So what if it's peanut butter and apples and your teacher thinks it's weird).<br />
Somewhere about mid way through, I began gaining friends. And by the End of spring semester, I learned that God gives good and perfect gifts to his children and that he “places the lonely in families”. I gained really beautiful friendships.<br />
I also learned that sometimes reconnection with old pals is great, sometimes not so much<br />
I learned that as adults, we have to work at our friendships and you have to work hard<br />
I trained for a 5k and began to actually enjoy running.<br />
I got my old job back and learned how to start from square 1 again. I learned that hard work gets you far.<br />
I learned that in reality, we are all just like children- throwing fits and getting wayyy tooo excited about things, but we just know how to hide it better.<br />
I realized that going back to visit a place you once lived just isn't the same.<br />
I also learned that home isn't the same after you've been gone two years<br />
I learned that study groups are actually really great and can help you get through hard classes.<br />
Making a A isn't everything… Because sometimes you’ll miss an assignment or test altogether because you forgot and won't be able to make it up.<br />
I learned that God is faithful like none other, and he is closer than we dare to imagine. When he says a hard season is over, he means it.<br />
He is the quieter of my soul.<br />
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Junior year is a blur, but it was good for me in ways I'll probably never know. After the storm that was sophomore year, junior year taught me how to breathe again.<br />
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Senior year.<br />
Well, nothing felt different at first. It was basically junior year part two.<br />
But then gradually, I realized I was looking, acting, thinking, and believing more and more like an adult every day.<br />
My body itself even began to change again. Suddenly looked more like the grown women around me rather than the teenagers. (Yes there's a difference. Even in my face, it's weird)<br />
Senior year I had my first drink of alcohol<br />
And I realized it's not really everything it's cracked up to be, and that I can live without it<br />
I began learning (and still am) how to be an adult in a house I was a child in.. With 3 other adults learning the same thing<br />
Yet again I was reminded that people believe differently, and many of my own beliefs, values, and ideas have changed. (Freshman year beliefs alcohol was the cause of many fights… And here I was, okay with consuming it)<br />
I learned first hand about some of the biases and judgements lurking deep in my heart<br />
And how to I overcome them<br />
I learned how little I knew about the world and politics and everything that's actually important<br />
I learned a lot about myself and how I learn and work best<br />
I was confronted with the reality that the people around me day in and day out do not know the Lord and it's my job to tell them.<br />
I learned that I get bored realllly easily and do not like a set schedule, not one little bit.<br />
I learned how to do social workforce hand, as I had my first clients.<br />
I learned how to balance all the aspects of life, and to suck each and every drop out that I can<br />
I have gone to a lot of weddings and births and all kinds of happy things.<br />
I am learning that where I am is enough<br />
I volunteered for the first time at a place I fell in love with, and I realized that dreams do come true.<br />
<br />
Senior year is kindof still in progress, and the lessons will not rooted in my memory and heart until months from now.<br />
But senior year, I have grown up. I have learned how to live (again).<br />
<br />
Listen up, college students. People always tell you it's the best four years of your life. I never believed them. But here’s the thing, sisters and brothers. Believe me. College will grow you, challenge you, mold you, and shape you into much of the person you will be for The rest of your life. Your brain is in the last stages of its major growth in which entire sections form in your brain the last time ever. In college you are 18 to 22 if you're there for four years. 18 you think you know everything, but you don't, I promise .At 18 I thought I was grown. I thought I knew how the world worked and a lot about God and how faith worked. I was so wrong. I thought I knew how to be a good friend and how to serve others well. But it wasn't until those areas were challenged in my life that I realized how little I actually knew.<br />
Never be too prideful, or too anxious. Rest your heart and your souls on the fact that God loves you and knows exactly where you are. He knows your struggles and heartaches and joys and theology questions. He's going to complete the work he began. He will not let you go, and in those moments when you wonder where he is, he’s closer than ever before. He is breathing His life into you and keeping your faith, because He is the Author and the Finisher.<br />
<br />
Run your race, keep going, do not lose hope. Give God all your questions and fears and struggles and victories. Stop stressing over that class or that test and live your life to the fullest because God has got you and that is exactly what He came for.<br />
<br />
<br />Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-68826936472967408732014-06-06T21:30:00.001-06:002014-06-06T23:37:20.405-06:00The Day I was totally Had by a Cookie.I was reminded of grace by seeing a child eat a chocolate chip cookie. <div><br></div><div>You see, I'm a nanny. I watch two kids, an 8 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. They are sweet and active and imaginative and independent. They are usually pretty well behaved. </div><div><br></div><div>Until they are tired. </div><div><br></div><div>I stayed overnight the other day because both parents had to go to work extra early the next day and I'm 45 minutes away. This meant I was now in charge of dinner, bath time, and bedtime. I could tell the girl, M, was exhausted. I had initially told her she could wait til her mom was home to bathe, but soon got a text saying the mom would be late. So I changed my mind and told her to get in the tub. WELL. this caused chaos. A tantrum ensued. Not wanting to deal with her I told the brother to go first instead. Also a bad idea. He was watching tv and did NOT want to take a bath first, so then there was an argument between the two about how to go first. To settle arguments, they go by odd/even dates. M's birthday is on an odd day and her brother is on even. So I asked "What day is it?" It was the 2nd. Meaning Brother gets to choose who goes first. Obviously he chose little sister. She was not happy. The tantrum continued for AN HOUR. Crying "I don't want to!" And "It's not fair!" I commanded, bribed, bargained, and ultimately quit...</div><div> </div><div>Older Brother, W, had been arguing with me all afternoon. Demanding his own way and testing the new babysitter's limits. Naturally, when their mom got home, I told them about the great morning and then the awful afternoon. She wasn't happy at all and corrected both kids. They know better. </div><div><br></div><div>Because <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> she loves her kids she had stopped and gotten them cookies on the way home, not knowing about their behavior. I half way assumed that they wouldn't get the treats after bath time because in no way did they deserve it in my mind. No way. But then- SHE TOLD THEM ABOUT THE COOKIES. "no. Surely she's not offering them rewards?! Excuse me?" </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">But, I said not a word. I ate my own dinner and let her deal with them as they bathed and got ready for bed. W came out and dug in the bad for his cookie. He found it and ate it with a grin on his face.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">In that moment, It hit me. That- that is grace. He didn't deserve the cookie but his mom loved him. It wasn't a reward as much as it was a token of affection.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I am evil to the core. I can act sweet at times and be kind perhaps. But I am a sinner. I deserve nothing. The Bible says I hated Christ and he died for me anyway!!! </span></div><div><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></b></div><div><b style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Hated</b><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">That's more than "argued with" or "disobeyed" </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">And He gave me much more than a cookie. He gave me his LIFE. </span></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">On top of that, unlike the kids' mom, He knew about my behavior ahead of time. All of it. Every day. The lust and selfishness and laziness and apathy that I keep running back to over and over and over. He knew. Yet Ephesians says he *lavished*grace upon me with all wisdom and understanding. It is not something I earn but He gives out of love. </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">All of these thoughts flooded my mind and I began to tear up. It's incredible! I went to sleep that night very thankful and knowing [in my head] more about Jesus. </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Flash forward to this week. In our house it has been a very...rough couple days,to say the least. Lots of things were going on so emotions were intense and sensitivity levels were on high. What did I do? I opened my stupid mouth.(not unusual). Over the couple of hard days, I made several comments toward family members that were totally uncalled for. I argued with my parents and was moody and ridiculous. One day it was so bad that I got the silent treatment from a family member for several hours. I had wounded people deeply. [we're better now] </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">and in addition to that, Jesus and I are really working through some issues so I even screamed out in anger toward HIM. So much flesh. I threw a fit in my car one night, tears, snot, hitting my steering wheel and everything. I cried things like "I don't want to!" And "it's not fair!" [Sound familiar]</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Please ask me what He did in return. </font></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I got a lot of trip money, plus a promise of another check on the way. AND a church member sent me an encouraging message written with deep compassion and love- a friend that cared, which I have prayed for. AND encouraging conversations with family.</span></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">*screeechhhh* stop. Wait WHAT?! </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">I had acted sinfully toward people and God. And he gives me things I had been not only needing, but *wanting*</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"> </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><b>GRACE</b>.</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">I don't get it yet. It's not set in my heart. But-</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">That night, as I went to sleep, my thoughts traveled back to kids and a cookie and me. And I smiled. </font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Oh Holy Spirit. Thank you. </font></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Nothing that touches my life does not first pass through Your Sovereign hand. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I'm sorry. Please don't let me forget. </span></div>Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-61722712433282051822014-05-21T23:25:00.001-06:002014-05-21T23:25:15.425-06:00Goodbyes and a Good GodI hate goodbyes.<br />
I hate them<br />
hate them<br />
hate them!!<br />
<br />
I'm also really bad at them. Whether I know I will see the person the next day or if I don't know if I'll ever see them again, I am awful at goodbyes. My friends can attest to this. They will tell you that I will walk away, end the conversation, leave the party, etc. THEN five minutes later that friend is getting a text from me. It's usually a thought that I see as necessary.. and sometimes it starts a whole new conversation. It's like.. I don't know. It's like subconsciously I just cannot end the conversation. I also feel the need for closure. A note that says "ah, I'm finished." I want everything to be tied up into a neat little bow. (and that's called control and probably a whole different blog).<br />
<br />
I've noticed this character trait more in the past few days. Partially because I've said a lot of goodbyes. Today I noticed that I "ended" a text conversation like 3 times...I just kept talking!<br />
A few days ago I looked at the faces of my four closest friends. This semester has brought us adventure, laughter, tears, and community like no other. But, this day,we were all at one friend's house to wish each other well for the summer. Two are staffing camps, and one is leaving for a mission trip this week. Not that big of a deal, right? Wrong. See, at the end of this summer, only two of the five of us are returning to LC. We are all heading in different directions. So, there was this tinge of extra sadness in our minds understanding that we have no idea when the five of us will be back together again. And even if we do reconvene once before school starts, the visits after that will be few and far between. No more late night card games, no more adventures, no more long drives and prayer times, no more hanging out in the student center together. That's stinking hard for me. This semester was incredible. I've never before found community like this. Everyone felt the sadness in saying goodbye. Our personalities truly showed. We kept hugging each other. One girl began to cry and then laughed it off "BAH! too many emotions!" Another hugged each person and wished them well, while saying "You are going to be okay." I just said "I love you" to each one, then got really quiet. The guy in our group, Luke, sent us all a text that night. He told us that this was not goodbye, but that we are all secret agents being sent on unique missions and that we will come back in due time. Also, that afternoon, not 5 minutes after we all left, I spoke with the one other friend not doing anything this summer. We agreed that the two of us must spend time together because we already felt alone. <br />
And there it is. Alone. It's one of the scariest words I know. Saying goodbye (depending on the degree) can make one feel incredibly alone. I have wrestled with this for a while now. It is this stripping of all I think I have so that I have Jesus only. It's hard. But He is faithful.<br />That night, I heard a song I've heard multiple times. It's called "Empty" and is from the perspective of the disciples. I heard the lyrics that I had never really paid attention to "The tears come easy when You say You're leaving..."<br /><br />It hit me. Jesus himself knows what it's like to say goodbye to his closest friends. Even typing those words makes my eyes well. (No- really, this thing goes deep for me. Many more goodbyes than this one instance). When Jesus ascended into heaven, He said goodbye.<br />Jesus had done life with these men for three years. They were always with him. They knew each other deeply. And Jesus died on the cross and his disciples were devastated, no doubt. Then, he rose again. Oh the celebration!<br />Wait, now, You're leaving again? What? Why?<br />Jesus looked his men in the eyes and told them that He had to go back to the Father. He knew that his friends would never see Him again on Earth. He knew that this goodbye was long lasting. In the human way of thinking, He was saying goodbye forever.<br />From Jesus' perspective, He was saying goodbye for the glory of God. It was an exchange for something better and bigger. He knew the hope that was waiting for the disciples if He left and ascended. He knew that the pain was necessary.<br />
I can imagine that the disciples began to feel afraid and... alone. And Jesus knew that. That's why earlier He promised the Holy Spirit would come after He left.(John 14) He said the earth would not see Him much longer, but promised that the Holy Spirit would come. He called the Holy Spirit a Comforter. Jesus knew. He knew the ache his friends would feel when he left. He knew the fear and loneliness. He knew what saying goodbye would bring.<br />And it is in that Comforter that I found a new comfort. Jesus knows what it feels like to say goodbye. He has not ever asked me to do something He has not already done.<br />It vanishes any idea or feelings of being alone when I remember that the God of the universe gets me. Even when I am alone, I'm never alone. Ever.<br />
<br />It goes for you, too. Whatever or whoever it is that you have said goodbye to, Jesus gets it. He cares. He is truly a sympathetic High Priest.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-70380473954622125132014-03-31T22:41:00.001-06:002014-03-31T22:41:19.928-06:00But What?God's call usually comes before the "but". <br /><br />Let me explain. Over and over and over I watch believers wrestle and struggle and fight with their self over what God may or may not be calling them to do. I've seen people be in a snotty teary mess, literally sick over wanting to know God's will. (Myself included, no doubt.) God often, if not always, calls us WAY out of a comfort zone- Out of the safety we've put ourselves in, and out of the tiny box we have put Him in. He calls us out for His glory and for our good. Sometimes we think He is crazy, and what we hear makes no sense. But He calls us out nonetheless. And John 10 promises that followers of Christ know His voice and that He knows them. It takes time and investment in His Word and prayer, but ultimately, believer, you know His voice. <br />When I went to Africa, I knew the minute I heard what I was supposed to do. I knew! Then the Enemy came in: <br />"But that's so far away" <br />"But you have no money"<br />"But your parents won't let you"<br />"But you are alone"<br />"But that's scary" <br />The list went on and on. God's call said "go to Africa." I knew that I had to go, yet I let the enemy's lies become my own thoughts. It became a constant inner monologue. Constantly battling back and forth about it. "I think God may want me to go to Africa, BUT I'm not sure if I heard him correctly." I wrestled for several weeks. Obviously, I went, and it was the most incredible summer of my life, in which I surrendered to one day being a full time missionary. <br />A similar inner monologue has happened multiple other times in my life, and in the lives of so many people I know (and I'm sure some of you). We think about it on our own for a long time, then we go talk to someone. They don't have an answer, so we talk to another and another and another- until we now have so many opinions running through our heads that we actually might go nuts. You get the picture.<br />Another time, I heard God telling me to walk away from something unhealthy in my life. This time, I literally fought for MONTHS. "I think God is telling me to walk away, BUT that doesn't make sense... <br />- "but it hurts "<br /> -"but I'm probably hearing God wrong" <br /> -"but the timing isn't right" <br /> -"but I can't. It's too hard"<br />Again, I heard the call and again listened to the enemy. I entertained the "but" and actually just confused myself to the max. I wrestled and fought and kicked and screamed, and it sucked. But I ultimately knew.<br /><br /><div>
GOD'S CALL COMES BEFORE "BUT"<br /><br />Believer, you know God's voice. You know in your heart what He has called You to. The enemy is going to do every. single. thing. in his power to get you to do something different. <br /><br />"I need to quit my job BUT... "<br />"I need to go to this country BUT...."<br />"For a while this has been on my heart, BUT..."<br />"Something should change BUT..."<br />" I would love to do this for the Kingdom, BUT...."<br />"I see this need, BUT" <br />"I heard a sermon today about ____, BUT" <br /><br />Do you get it?? Is something specific starting to echo in your heart? Let's look at what usually comes after the "but" and why it's usually the enemy.<br /><br /><br /><br /><b>"I'm afraid"</b><br />- <i>"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.-Isaiah 41:10</i><br /><br /><br /><b>"I may be crazy. This doesn't make sense"</b><br /><i>-"For if we are out of our mind, it is for God; if we have a sound mind, it is for you." 2 Corinthians 5:13<br />-"Now we have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who comes from God, so that we may understand what has been freely given to us by God."-1 Corinthians 2:12 [and the entire chapter]</i><br /><br /><br /><b>" I don't have time."</b><i>-"But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day."-2 Peter 3:8<br />-"Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes."-James 4:14<br />-"Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established."-Proverbs 16:3</i><br /><br /><b>"I don't know what to say"</b><br /><i>-But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."-Acts 1:8 (NIV)</i><br /><br /><b>"I can't."</b><br /><i>- "I can do all this through him who gives me strength."-Philippians 4:13(NIV)<br />-"Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."-Mark 10:27 </i><br /><br /><b>"What will___think?"</b><br /><i>-"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."-Galatians 1:10</i><br /><br /><b>"It hurts."</b><br /><i>-"See now that I myself am he! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand."-Deuteronomy 32:39</i><br /><i>-"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;perseverance, character; and character, hope."-Romans 5:3-4(NIV)</i></div>
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<br /><b>"I could be wrong."</b><br /><i>-And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."-Philippians 1:6 (HCSB)</i><br /><br /><br /><br />Oh, be encouraged dear friends!! He is worth it. So worth it. Rest, dear heart. You know His voice. If you know the Savior and you know the Scripture, you know Him. He's worth it. Whatever it is, do it. He's got you. <br /><br /><br />**Now, I realize there are some exceptions to my statement. Sometimes the "but" is actually a spirit of caution an discernment. Don't just take my word for it. <br /><br />Worship. Pray. Sing songs. Speak Scripture. Then, when You think you know what God wants, be courageous and do it. That's it. Be courageous and DO IT. </div>
Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-46087700278997826722013-04-05T00:03:00.001-06:002013-04-05T00:03:37.533-06:00PlaygroundOh, child, I see you. I see you, Precious one. I see you. Your heart anxious, your head jumbled. I see you. You're on the monkey bars. You see the path ahead of you and you have decided to travel it. So you work. You reach up and hold on as tightly as you possibly can to what you think will get you to the other side. You put every ounce of your effort, your thinking, your energy, your heart, into just getting to the next rung. But- you miss. You've fallen. You hurt yourself. But, determined and stubborn as you are, you get back up again, telling yourself to just... Try harder. Maybe, maybe you'll get it this time. I watch you. I watch you continuing to strive in your own strength, continuing to strive in your own will. I'm telling you the better way; do you hear me? You've gotten a little further and you are almost to the other side you think. But you fall again. Look at your hands- they are raw. I know those blisters on your hands hurt. You're holding on so tightly that you are actually injuring yourself. And you will tire out on the bars. You will run out of energy and everything else.There's an easier way. Listen to me. Listen. The monkey bars are hard. The monkey bars are all about you and you alone. You have no choice but to work hard there. But- you have another option. Come to the swing set, my darling. Here, it's not about you working at all. The swing will move, you just move with it. You wont get blisters, because with the swing you don't have to hold on so tightly. The swing holds you up, so your weak arms don't have to. At times over here, you'll feel like you are soaring. Other times you might get a small queazy feeling in your stomach, and you'll be afraid. But don't be. You'll soon realize there's nothing to be afraid of and the scary parts when the chain buckles actually makes it that much more thrilling. What's more, I'll be there- standing behind you, telling you its ok. I'll be there, on the swing next to you, challenging you to go higher and higher. Or sometimes I tell you to close your eyes and leap. You'll be afraid there too, but you realize that I'm there in front of the swing, catching you as you land. Come to the swing set, my darling. <br />
<br />
<br />
Papa, <br />
I'm working so hard to get to you. But I just keep falling. You tell me Your grace is enough, but I just keep working. I hear your call to the swingset, but working on the monkey bars is what I know. It's what we all know. We work and work to get to you, but we end up falling on our faces with blisters on our hands. I want to soar. I want to rely on your grace alone. The other side of this playground seems so wonderful yet scary at the same time."My grace is sufficient for you" I hear you calling. You are calling me to the swingset, Daddy, and I am coming. Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-69733908670153156292013-01-11T11:24:00.001-06:002013-01-11T19:03:34.891-06:00Beautiful slave~~~~<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">The room is utterly dark, without even one beam of light. The rough concrete walls are grey and dingy. There's a dampness and a thickness to the air. It's muggy and sticky and ever so cold. This room is a cave, a prison, a tomb. Every aspect screams lifelessness.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> She is huddled in the corner, face buried in her knees. Her long, black hair covers her face on both sides. But it's tangled. It's a mess. She lifts a trembling hand to her head in an attempt to stop the deep throbbing. She feels the dried patch of blood in her hair. Yet another reminder of her agony. The needle holes in her arm remind her of the drugs used to calm her. But she's anything but numb. Every part of her aches. She's starving. Unable to remember the last meal she's had. The little bits of ratty fabric hanging loosely on her small frame barely count as clothing, and she is freezing. She's dirty, also unable to remember the last time she was able to have a bath, or anything remotely close to it. She tries desperately to remember what life felt like. But she cannot. She remembers only the darkness. Her heart is in pieces. She wants so desperately to cry, but she can't. If tears come, the beating drum in her head stays longer. If tears come, they won't stop.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> She has no idea what time it is, but surely it's almost time. The men will come in soon. To kill her? No, she wishes. It happens every evening. The owner of the cave will come in and grab her and throw her down in another room. She'll be on her knees, hair covering her face. But he'll bark at her to stand up straight and he yanks her hair. She's not a person here-not a daughter, a sister, niece, or friend. Her name has been replaced with a number, and she has been labeled with a price. She is nothing more than a product or a piece of meat. Man after man after man will come in.They will look at her with beady eyes and a crooked smile, like the way they would look at a meal. They'll do what they want, then leave. No care or concern for her at all. None whatsover.</span><br />
<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">That's if it's a good night.</span><br />
<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">But more than likely, they'll use her AND abuse her.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">All of them are so angry. If she does one little thing incorrectly or not well enough, she will face wrath.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Oh, God, please not tonight ! She begs. Cries out in heart. She's so afraid. SO afraid. The darkness of the room doesn't even compare to the darkness in her heart. She is terrified. Deeply and sorely afraid. The fear never goes away. It follows her, lurking behind her around every turn. It's a deep, dark shadow, filling every corner of every room. It seeps into every hole, every crack, every open space. Choking all light out. Smothering and stifling every ounce of breath she has left.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"> She is living a nightmare. If the fear was the only dark cloud, maybe she could make it. But it's the shame that gets her. Dirty on the outside, filthy on the inside-- she's afraid she'll never be clean or pure again. Her body doesn't even feel like her own anymore. Questions haunt her. How did she get here? What even happened? When did she become living breathing fear and shame? When did this darkness, this evil, take over? Will the Light ever come? Is there anyone who has Light? Anyone who will bring Light back into her cave? Anyone who will kick down the closed door and cut off her chains?</span><br />
<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">Her heart cries out for someone, anyone.</span><br />
<br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">Then...She can't explain it. But in the midst of all the questions running through her mind, all the questions that hit deep-- somewhere, even deeper down, she hears a faint whisper.</span><br />
<br /><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">"The Light is coming. I Am coming. My people are coming."</span><br />
<br /><br /><span style="font-family: inherit;">And for the very first time... It's small... But for the very first time, she has hope.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
~~~~~<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>He sees you, He knows you, and He is sending an army</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">There are 27 million people trapped in this nightmare today. Its called human trafficking. It is slavery. Yes, slavery. And there are more slaves now than ANY other time in history. In 2012, the slave traders made more than Nike, google, and Starbucks COMBINED. We know about it. Everyone knows its wrong. I know it's wrong. You know it's wrong. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Slavery.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oppression</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Darkness</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Evil</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">We see this injustice. Will we do anything about it? We look back at history at other major eras of injustices and mistreatment of people and we ask "Why didn't someone do something sooner?" </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I don't want future generations to look back at this time in history and ask the same question about us. And on top of that, Christians have been commanded to do something.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">"Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed. Take up the cause of the fatherless; plead the case of the widow. (Isaiah 1:17)"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">It's our time. It's time for us to not just know about human trafficking and think it's bad, but know about it and do something about it, however we can. And more than anything else, make war on our knees. Make.war.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">http://enditmovement.com/</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">http://www.ijm.org/</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Also, look up "Beautiful Slave" by Take No Glory and "Twenty Seven Million" by Matt Redman. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Let the songs wreck you, friends. </span>Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-61770767322566078842013-01-10T18:07:00.001-06:002013-01-10T20:38:34.064-06:00Reminders...I love my Jesus. Really.<br />
And I now wonder how many lessons or reminders he can show me through one object.<br />
Apparently, a lot. <br />
<br />
If you don't know, I wear a nail ring on my wedding ring finger. ( though, you probably knew. Because I write about it all the time...) Anyway, I've worn a nail ring every day since Ecuador, almost 2 years ago. The whole idea behind it was that since I am the bride of Christ nothing else matters. God used that ring SO many times to remind me of His deep love for me. There have been days in my time with him where I literally just held the ring in my hand and stared at it, until I believed again I was loved. The ring...my most favorite possession.<br />
<br />
Flash forward to Baja.<br />
I pray over a really good friend of mine, and when we are done praying I get up to walk away.<br />
Enter, Holy Spirit's voice: " Give her your ring. As a reminder of My love." <br />
I give it to her, without thinking. I'm glad she has it. <br />
But then later I remember that I don't have it. And I miss my ring. It was dumb. But I wanted that physical reminder of God's love back on my hand.<br />
The next day, we were at the house we were building. There were plenty of extra nails on the ground. I thought I'd just take one or two and make my own ring back at home. <br />
But I didn't even have to. <br />
Later, I was washing dishes for the family and l then I see my sister and two of my other teammates bending nails. I don't completely know the reason. I had told the boys about my idea and I think they were trying to prove to me it wasn't possible.... But then- then the dad of the family saw them. I guess they explained what they were doing. Before I knew it he had a pair of pliers, and a nail. I watched as he fought to get that nail into a circle shape. It in fact looked impossible. I began to think I wasn't going to make my own nail ring after all. Well... he did it. I saw the once straight nail bent into a ring shape. The man handed it to me, and you would know... It fit perfectly on my left ring finger.....<br />
-.-<br />
<br />
I don't remember what went through my head. Except later, after having time to think, all I could think about was God's faithfulness. He knew. <br />
<br />
You probably think that's the end of the story. I got a perfect new ring that showed God's faithfulness in my obedience.<br />
<br />
No. It brings me to today's lesson.<br />
<br />
See, this ring is actually made from a nail. The other one just LOOKED like a nail. This one is a real, rough nail, that will probably rust eventually. <br />
<br />
I sat in my house today and was rolling the ring around in my hands. Fidgeting. I began to think<br />
"this is cool. Such a cool story. God really is faithful to me. He knew I'd give my ring away, fight my flesh wanting it back, then get a new one with even deeper meaning since it was from the house I helped to build. Cool..."<br />
Then<br />
"what do nails do? Nails hold things together.... Wait. Nails hold things together. God has promised He'll hold me together."<br />
Yes.<br />
As I looked at the nail, God showed me a whole new meaning. <br />
<br />
"Taylor, I hold you together. Always. In everything. I hold you together. I hold your family together. I hold your life together.<br />
When you are tired<br />
When you're stressed<br />
When you're busy<br />
When two days after a hard but lovely mission trip, your grandfather dies and your whole family comes to live in your house and you have to sleep on the couch and a 3 year old wakes you up crying every night and your family members argue over who gets what and people ask if you're ok and you really are ok because you didn't really know him and you've decided you'd be the one to comfort your family and you bounce from place to place to place all week and there's still 9 other people in your house and you run out of towels for people to use after showers and you have also run out of detergent to wash the towels and you literally can't escape people for 5 minutes to yourself to talk to Me and you miss Me and you miss your best friends whom you haven't seen in a while and you are afraid of what's next and you dread moving back 3 hours away from everything you are comfortable with and you feel left out and abandoned and weak and frustrated and forgotten and you are so tired that your brain seems to have nothing inside except fuzzy white noise or a flatline pulse sound and you have absolutely no idea what I'm doing in your life,<br />
<br />
<br />
I.<br />
Hold.<br />
You. <br />
Together.<br />
<br />
I always have. I Am faithful. I haven't let you go. I see you and I see your family. I know what I'm doing. I love you. I'm faithful to complete the work I started. You won't always understand or know what I'm doing in your life. But I have a plan. It's real and it's good. Trust me, my child. I am here. I'm so close. I'm so close. Just whisper my name. I. Am. With. You. Have I ever proven Myself unfaithful? Have I ever broken a single promise? "<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
God, I believe you. Help my unbelief.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-64320838543256650952012-12-15T01:37:00.001-06:002012-12-15T01:37:17.399-06:00AbbaAbba,<br />
I believe in You. In Your character. I know in my head that You are good. <br />
I know that You are Sovereign. <br />
I know that You are peace. <br />
I know that You are holy. <br />
I know that You are faithful. <br />
I know that You have a perfect plan. <br />
I know that You are just. <br />
I know that You are full of grace. <br />
<br />
I KNOW a lot of things. <br />
But I FEEL like none of them are true.<br />
<br />
Send these feelings back to Hell, right where they came from. <br />
<br />
I believe. <br />
Help my unbelief. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Your daughter. Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-3708689729368805132012-12-13T01:38:00.001-06:002012-12-13T01:59:50.515-06:00Sticky, part 3.....kindofNew lesson, slightly related....<br />
<br />
Sticky will come off, but it usually takes some scrubbing. (especially if its tree sap.... But thats another story) Getting cleaned sometimes is uncomfortable. It usually is, actually.<br />
.... Ok, so you, taking a shower is not painful or uncomfortable. That's not what I'm talking about. But having someone ELSE clean you or fix you is not fun. <br />
<br />
Ask a one year old who wants to play but who's diaper needs to be changed.<br />
Ask a preschooler with gum stuck in her hair. <br />
Ask a kid who has gotten a splinter in his hand<br />
Ask a dog who needs a bath but hates water.<br />
Ask a plant that needs its dead pieces literally chopped off.<br />
<br />
Sometimes being cleaned up is uncomfortable. Sometimes it's even painful. But it is always necessary. <br />
<br />
<br />
Yes. Jesus takes my mess. He lets me touch him with all my sticky. He loves it. He loves me. But he doesn't want me to stay that way. He knows that there is something better. He loves me enough to clean my sticky off, no matter what it takes, scrubbing included.<br />
<br />
The problem is this: as much as I hate my sticky mess, I, in some twisted way, like it. If my hands are sticky, I'll hate the feeling, but I'll also try to get my hands stuck together or see how else I can play with the sticky. As much as I hate my sin, I somehow enjoy it. I wanna hold on to my mess and keep the sticky. I want to keep doing things my way and pretend that nothing is wrong. I want to do whatever I want, when I want to do it. I want to be ok with ignoring rules or doing things against my better judgement. I am in the dirt, and I want to continue rolling around in it. But that's not how it works. Not if Jesus is making me better, which he is. Not if Jesus is exactly who He said He is... Which he is!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The Bible talks about sheep a lot. <br />
Sheep are stupid.<br />
No, really. They are. <br />
I am a sheep. <br />
Sheep wander off all the time. They have to be trained to stay near the shepherd to be safe. How do sheep get trained? How do they learn to stay near the shepherd? Welp, that answer isn't pretty.<br />
When a lamb wanders off into danger or leaves the shepherd, shepherds often break the lamb's leg. the lamb obviously then enters into a healing process, in which they have to stay close to the shepherd. In turn, they learn his voice, and they learn what following him looks like. All the time, the shepherd is gentle and nurtures the lamb.<br />
<br />
I wander off all. the. time. I get selfish and proud and entitled and... ALL kinds of other things.<br />
So.<br />
Jesus corrects me. <br />
It hurts.<br />
The result looks like me kicking, screaming, punching, crying, stomping, and jumping up and down. I don't like His correction. But then, then I'm forced to come closer. Lean in. Be still and hear what He has to say. He is so gentle. He uses the time to teach me His voice and remind me of His truth. He heals me. He cleans me. He frees me.<br />
<br />
If the diaper isn't changed, the baby gets diaper rash.<br />
If gum is allowed to stay, it creates knotty, tangled chaos<br />
If the splinter isn't removed, an infection comes<br />
If the dog doesn't get a bath, fleas make him miserable<br />
If the pieces aren't pruned, the whole plant dies.<br />
<br />
Grace <br />
is<br />
tough.<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't get grace. I don't always like it. I like my sticky mess, but Jesus wants to <br />
take it and that involves scrubbing. Taking my mess, cleaning me up and making me better involves me being challenged and corrected and scrubbed and pruned. All for my good and His glory. I don't get grace.<br />
<br />
But He does.<br />
<br />
<br />
--------<br />
Abba, help me trust you to clean me up well. You know what you are doing.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-30126772596318301282012-12-12T22:40:00.001-06:002012-12-13T01:59:26.844-06:00sticky...part twoI seriously HATE sticky. I can handle prickly, gooey, pokey, or even slimy. But NOT sticky. I don't like it. Not one little bit. I do not like when my hands or fingers have something sticky on them. Sticky is not fun. I'm not a fan of "messy" either. Not literally, not metaphorically.<br />
<br />
So so many times I am that person at the ball. I have tried and tried and tried to make everything so perfect to impress the Prince. And I fail. epically. I bump into the tray full of dessert and make a huge mess. I mess everything up in one simple, swift move. One action, and everything falls way out of order. I panic. Because I know the Prince is going to see me. He is going to be angry, or disappointed. He's going to kick me out of his palace and leave me hanging. I look for a mask. I try to hide. If the Prince sees me, sees me without the mask or the cover up, he will be done.<br />
But... as I'm trying to find a hiding place, running fast for the door, I bump into none other than the Prince himself. He looks at me with nothing but compassion. I have forgotten that this one isn't only a Prince, but He is my Best Friend. He loves me no matter what I look like. But, more than that He takes all my sticky-ness upon himself just so that I can be clean and sticky free. He takes all the shame and embarrassment of having clothes covered in the sticky mess, so that I don't have to feel that. He. takes. it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Almost every day of my life, I approach Jesus in fear. I know the mess I have made of my life and<em> </em>I know that my sin has made my hands unclean and messy and...sticky. I'm afraid to show it to Him. afraid to touch him with my sticky, messy, unclean hands. " I can't let Jesus handle this part of my life. It's too...gross. It's too messy. I am a mess. Jesus, you don't want me to touch you with my sticky hands. You are too clean. too holy. too good. Surely, you do not want to be sticky. blech. NOT sticky. no way. " <br />
<br />
But then He whispers something. <br />
<br />
<br />
"I came to get messy"<br />
<br />
oh. <br />
Jesus DID come to get messy. He was born in a stable, for crying out loud! A stinky, messy stable, with animals and...animal stuff. The God of all heaven and all earth and everything else. the Star Breather. the Light Former. the Original Thinker. the Commander of Angels. He came to this earth. with the dirt and the mud and the odors and the animals and the mess and the sin. He stooped this low to love me. Me. ME. what?! <br />
I hate being sticky. But Jesus doesn't just say "You can touch me with sticky." with a resigned voice and a sigh. He LOVES the sticky. <br />
Did you know that the our word "grace" partially comes from the word "charis"? <span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Charis</em></span> will blow your mind. <em><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Charis</span></em> does not mean what you may think. <span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Charis</em></span> does not mean a characteristic, as in a trait of graciousness. Charis implies an action, a choice. but even more than that: Charis implies an act of great joy. <br />
<br />
wait.<br />
<br />
Jesus ...chooses... to give me grace...and...he does it with great joy?! <br />
<br />
yes!!<br />
<br />
It is not reluctant. It is not begrudging. It is not, "well... I guess I have to, so I will this time"<br />
<br />
That means this: When I make a mess<br />
by being selfish<br />
by pride<br />
by jealously<br />
by valuing the opinion of humans more than of God<br />
<br />
<br />
He sees it, he knows all about it, and he loves me anyway. He wants those icky, ugly parts of my heart too. He wants me to give him all the sticky. He came for my mess. He plays a song of joy and generously leads the dance of grace with great joy in His heart. <br />
<br />
<br />
He. came. to. be. messy. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-83031747767859309962012-12-12T21:23:00.001-06:002012-12-12T21:35:13.101-06:00StickyIt's the night of all nights. You have looked forward to this night for months. You spend hours upon hours getting ready and you make sure you look absolutely perfect. You do look perfect. Your hair your clothes your shoes. Everything. Perfect. The prince is throwing a ball, and you are on the guest list. You are honored and seriously, everything is perfect. <br />
You arrive at the ball. There is an orchestra playing beautiful music. There are sparkling chandeliers and beautiful lights. Before the ball, there is a dinner. You are ushered to your seat. The meal is delightful. Every morsel is savory and wonderful. The appetizer is great, and it gets you quite excited for the entree. The entree comes and you enjoy it. Everything is going smoothly. Everything is still perfect. You haven't seen the prince yet and begin to wonder when he is coming. You have worked so hard to make everything perfect and you just know he will be highly impressed. You feel as if nothing could ruin your night. And the symphonic music still playing in the background lets you know you are feeling correctly. It's beautiful and perfect. The music makes the night. It's now time for dessert. There are several options and you pick the one that is the most exquisite. It is delicious. Rich and sweet. Perfect. It makes you thirsty. Your glass is empty though, so you rise from the table to refill it. But--you don't see him. You don't see the waiter behind you with another tray of desserts. As you stand.. CLASH!!!<br />
You give a small startled yelp.So does he. He trips as you bump into him and everything on the tray comes tumbling down. And it gets all over you on the way to the floor. Oh no!!! You're covered in an icky, gooey, sticky mess of syrups and gels and frostings. That's it. Everything, absolutely everything is ruined. You ask yourself how you could have been so stupid and how you could have possibly messed up in such a big way. You are angry. You haven't even seen the prince yet and now you can't. You are ashamed. You aren't perfect anymore. You're a sticky mess. In your head, the lights have turned out, the chandeliers have fallen, and most of all the music has stopped. Everything is over, because you have messed up. How will you dance with the prince now?! He'll probably show up, take one look at you and send you out the door. He won't be able to look at the mess. He'll yell at you, or worse, shake his head in disappointment. He's planned the ball for so long and you have messed up the image of perfection. You decide it's not worth the embarrassment. You don't need to be here anymore. You don't belong. You see the door, and you make a b- line for it. Your eyes are on the ground. If you don't look up, no one will make awkward eye contact as you leave and no one will give you the death glare because they can take one look at you and know what you've done.<br />
<br />
"just get to the door. Walk across this huge room and get to the door. Then you can forget the whole thing. Just get to the door, before the prince sees you."<br />
<br />
Then, it happens. In your lack of looking up, you bump into someone. "great. Now I HAVE to speak. I have to apologize. But then I will leave immediately." you look up to utter "I'm sorry" but you can't speak. Your jaw drops to the floor and your eyes open wider and you blush. You are looking into the face of none other than the prince himself. <br />
<br />
If the music didn't stop before, you know it has stopped now. You panic. What will he say? What will he do? You just know he's going to take one look at your sticky mess and just walk away. But- as you look into his eyes, you don't see anger or disappointment or shock or embarrassment or anything else you expect. You see instead a softness. A gentleness. Compassion. <br />
<br />
Suddenly, you realize that the music is still playing. And it's your song. It's the song you are supposed to dance to. It's so beautiful. The notes flood the air with harmony. But you still feel out of place. The prince offers you his hand. You lift yours from your side, but you stop. You freeze. Your hands are still sticky. Surely you can't touch the prince with the sticky! You HATE sticky. It is the worst texture in the world. Surely the prince will not touch you. He will change his mind. He will kick you out. <br />
You feel embarrassed. You stammer out the words "I...I...I can't. I'm not clean."<br />
He smiles. He walks you out of the ballroom and shows you another room. It's full of new, beautiful clothes. More perfect even then what you had on before. He lets you choose something and puts a new shrug over your shoulders. But then he looks at you and you know. You ask "are you sure?" He says nothing. He just does it. He takes everything a step further. He does something crazy. He wipes the sticky mess off of your old clothes- the syrups, the pieces of cake, the caramels, the frostings, everything- with his hands. and then does something even crazier. He puts it all on his own clothes. He then offers his hand to you again. You humbly take it this time. You are overwhelmed. You don't understand this prince. He leads you back to the beautiful ballroom. Right to the center of the floor. He whispers "I am sure. Messy is ok with me." He begins to lead you in a dance, and your song plays on.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"... He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-7801482742970177152012-11-23T01:35:00.003-06:002012-11-23T01:47:48.912-06:00Love LetterJesus, I was screaming at you. Angry. I was like the girl in all the movies beating against her husband's or her boyfriend's chest in her anger and tears, while he just stands there. I was fighting you. So hurt and so broken that I only knew to fight. I screamed "I don't believe you! I don't believe your promises are for me. I don't believe your grace is for me. I don't believe you. I don't believe you. I don't believe you." I cried out to you "WHERE ARE YOU?!" I felt like you were light years away and I was terrified you had let me go. I was angry that I didn't hear you. Angry at myself for not knowing you and angry at you for not speaking to me.Angry for not you letting me feel anything. Angry for whatever else. I was also numb. I thought you had permanently let me go and I wondered if I would ever believe you again.<br />
Then you answered me with this. I had written this years ago, and you knew. You knew part of it would somehow be seen by one of my dear sisters today, who would then quote the first part and ask where the rest was. <br />
But-I hadn't read the words until now. <br />
You. win. <br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;"><em>My Sweet Princess,<o:p></o:p></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><em>First I want you to know how valued you are. I created you, I saved you, and I made you new. You mean the world to me. You are my beautiful daughter whom I love dearly. I created the entire universe, yet I knew you even when you were being formed. Before a single one of your days came to be, I knew them all. They were all written in my book-part of my wonderful plan. I know everything about you. I hear your thoughts and see your actions. I know your heartaches and your hurts. But even more than that, I actually feel them! In a special bottle I am storing your each and every tear. As much as I hate to see your pain, as much as it grieves me to see you struggle, all this must be, in order for you to totally and completely come to the end of your own understanding; only then can you fully hear my voice. Amidst the noise of the world, I'm calling. My voice is in the midst of your worst fears tenderly beseeching you to trust me in the pain of your grief. If you hold real still, you can feel my arms encircling you and hear my soothing words of comfort. Yes, that still, small voice within you is mine. Yes, that gentle touch is me. Give me your pain- yes, all of it, and I will give you my peace. Give me your sorrow and I will give you joy unspeakable. I cherish you, daughter. I have made a promise to you that I’m holding you in my hand. Absolutely nothing can snatch you away-nothing! You. Are. Mine! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forever. I am with you always, even to the end of the age. That means I’m here in the good times, the bad times, and the blah times. I not only am with you though, I’m also already on the other side, waiting. Waiting for you to reach that point and look back with me, noticing every single season I’ve brought you through. Oh yeah, I’m in your past too. I don’t care what you’ve done or where you’ve been. I love you anyway!<o:p></o:p></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><em>Let me mend your breaking heart. I will wipe away your tears and there will be no more crying or pain anymore. I am the Healer. I am the Prince of Peace, the Comforter. I am all you need. Take a second and just get lost in me and my Word. Before you get back up and move on, know it’s ok to fall. It’s o.k. to just be…human. <o:p></o:p></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; mso-themecolor: text1;"><em>Daughter, every situation is in your life for a reason. They each make you stronger in some way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know the plans I have for you. They are plans for your good, to give you hope. Not everything will always make sense for now, but it is truly all in my plan. Never forget that I came to give you life more abundantly. That does not mean life more easy. It means you’re life will be richer, sweeter, better-even in the really hard times. My enemy will come and lie to you and try to convince you that you are unseen and unknown by Me. Don’t believe him for a second. He simply wants to steal every good thing I have given you. Hold on to everything I have told you. You were made for more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Come back to me, and let me be your Love.<o:p></o:p></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;"><em>With my everything,<o:p></o:p></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman','serif'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;"><em>The King of Kings<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-74522570951604744532012-10-18T15:17:00.002-06:002012-10-18T15:37:16.036-06:00UntitledI can't write. <br />
<br />
<br />
That is the lie I hear, and start to believe, every single time I even begin to remotely think about my English class. This class is tough. It's hard. I have written and revised and written and edited and turned in and then re- written, re-revised, re-edited and re-turned in. <br />
I write a rough draft. <br />
We workshop one another's drafts in class.<br />
We discuss in class what the professor is looking for. She looks at our previous papers and tells us what to fix in this next one.<br />
I realize my rough draft is altogether awful and needs more details, stronger points, etc.<br />
I re-do the entire thing.<br />
I edit that draft, still keeping in mind all the corrections from all of my papers. <br />
Then I turn it in.<br />
<br />
Then I get it back. <br />
<br />
It's chocked full of negative hot pink marks and comments. (yes. hot pink. not red, not blue, not anything any other professor would grade in)<br />
Our entire class does poorly, so we get the chance to edit the papers..while simultaneously going through the same vicious cycle with yet another paper.<br />
<br />
I have pushed myself. I don't do the papers the night before. I try to take the correction well. I have talked to the professor. I have done everything I can possibly think of to write a paper that is at least satisfactory. <br />
<br />
This seems silly and insignificant. Why am I complaining about one class? Why does it bother me so much? Is that what you are thinking?<br />
This is a whole new struggle for me. Never ever, not once, have I gotten less than a A on anything I have written.Nothing. But now, I feel like no matter what I do, I cannot write. I cannot please the professor.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"You can't write, Taylor"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"This class isn't worth it"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"You can't improve."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"You aren't smart enough to be in honors composition."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"Everyone else is better"</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"You can't please this professor."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"You are going to fail."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"Why can't you just follow the instructions?!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">The whispers of lies go on and on and on. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />But, as I sat here about to type this blog, I looked down at that nail ring on my finger. Again I heard: </span><br />
<br />
" Oh, my soul, it is enough that the Father loves you." <br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>"Your value is not determined by what you can or cannot do"</strong></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>"This class will grow you."</strong></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>"You can always improve."</strong></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>"I made you. You are good enough"</strong></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>"Please Me"</strong></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>" Perfect grades aren't the most important thing."</strong></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><em><strong></strong></em></span>That is Truth. not the other stuff. Yes, this class is hard. It's frustrating. Yes, my best is seemingly not good enough. But, my identity isn't found in my English grade. My identity isn't found in how well I can argue about a dorm room, a political ad, television in the classroom, or the movie Avatar. No part of this class determines who I am. Because I am created fearfully and wonderfully, my talents, abilities, and skills are all exactly how God wants them. Everything that touches my life first passes through His sovereign hand. SO there MUST be a reason I am in this class. There must be a reason my class has only 9 people. There must be a reason I have this professor. There must be a reason for everything. If everything has first passed through my Father's hand, then He knows where I am with this. If he put me in this class, He has a reason. Everything works for His glory and my good. everything. I cannot forget that. I can't forget that, like the verse I sent this morning says, I am more than a conqueror. <br />
<br />
You are too. Whatever that thing is for you, whatever is the center of the lies and insecurity and worry and fear and doubt and whatever else, whatever is your English class, you are more than a conqueror. Your identity is not found in what you do. It is found in Whose you are. Everything, absolutely everything that touches your life has first passed through your Father's sovereign hand. Don't forget it. <br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
Jesus, you know my heart. You know I am frustrated and a perfectionist and scared and sad and insecure and whatever else. You know the lies I'm believing. Help me believe Your Truth. Remind me that this class does not define who I am because of WHOSE I am. Help me work as if I'm working for you, not for man. Help me, Jesus. Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-50620172993546708082012-10-10T23:40:00.003-06:002012-10-11T23:42:55.935-06:00Oh my soul...<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: x-small;"><em>For Rue.</em></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">((Is it allowed to dedicate blog posts like you can dedicate books? I think it should be))</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<h4><em>"Oh my soul, it is enough that the Father loves you."</em></h4>Jesus rocks my world with this statement. <br />
<br />
No matter what, it is enough that God loves me. <br />
<br />
-When I struggle with insecurity, I can remember His love is enough.<br />
-When I'm tempted to be jealous, His love is enough.<br />
-When my heart hurts, His love is enough.<br />
- When the only emotion I feel is anger, His love is enough.<br />
-When I am afraid, <br />
-When I have doubts,<br />
-When I say "I can't",<br />
-When I don't know what to do,<br />
-When I hurt,<br />
-When I'm proud,<br />
-When I believe lots of Satan's lies over and over again...<br />
<br />
His love is <strong><em>enough.</em></strong> <br />
People will always let me down. Always. It's going to happen. I will often let myself down. I am human. I will struggle. I will be afraid. I will be hurt. I'll get jealous and I'll get angry. But- in all those things, that is me, trying to satisfy my soul with something that won't satisfy. That is me, trying to put things in His place. It is me trying to be enough on my own. Each time I believe one of those lies, the lies that say things satisfy, God whispers "I AM enough" and He is. <br />
<br />
I'm tired<br />
-- <em><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am enough</span></em><br />
<br />
I can't do this<br />
--<em><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am enough.</span></em><br />
<br />
I'm scared<br />
--<em><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I am enough</span></em><br />
<br />
But, I am so weak, so sinful.<br />
<em><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">--"My grace is sufficient for you, and my power is made perfect in weakness."</span></em><br />
<br />
Nothing else matters. Not people's opinions of me or of what I do, not my fear, not my physical appearance. Not my emotion, not whether or not people love and trust and want me. Nothing! <br />
<br />
My God, my Father, is absolutely everything. He is the Star Breather. The Galaxy Former. The One who thought of music. The One who holds the universe(that expands a million miles every direction every hour) in his hand. The King who reigns forever. The Lord of Armies. The DNA Maker. The Holy One. And <strong>that</strong> God came down and lived in our neighborhoods. Breathed in our air. Walked on our dust. Why? Because of His incredible, deep, profound, ridiculous, crazy love. His love is overwhelming! If we can grasp it, our heads will be left spinning. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
He. LOVES. you.<br />
<br />
<br />
yes. YOU. <br />
<br />
<br />
When every part of me is struggling, when I want to give up, I have to remember (And sometimes say aloud)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivIkefDAlbITTUpRm0nF-5tFW_FbIK7ECczbCUOecS-udseZmIXpGHN9FwLZl_dyIu2SmRwfCvYHyxLBjkKE0vytbFMAZzQpfC-c8HPROe-lF_waEpLNvdYx46BxozW8KhV2K1BaoGQgiE/s640/blogger-image--657474539.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivIkefDAlbITTUpRm0nF-5tFW_FbIK7ECczbCUOecS-udseZmIXpGHN9FwLZl_dyIu2SmRwfCvYHyxLBjkKE0vytbFMAZzQpfC-c8HPROe-lF_waEpLNvdYx46BxozW8KhV2K1BaoGQgiE/s640/blogger-image--657474539.jpg" /></a></div>Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-37131971148584857772012-10-09T08:17:00.001-06:002012-10-09T08:29:01.444-06:00Know? No....yes.God's timing is perfect. It is. I went to spend time with Him this morning. But when it was time to put my Bible away and go to class, I didn't want to. I felt like God was just about to tell me something. I felt like He was right there with me. I didn't wanna leave his presence. But I had to. I walked over to my 8:30 class... Sat down... In walked someone saying "your professor isn't here today. No class".... It was like He whispered: " You have another hour. You get another hour. You know what to do with it." I knew. I knew how I would spend this time. So I walked into my room. Played worship music. Laid down on top of the covers on my bed. Before I did anything, I put my head down for a few seconds to rest. There it was. The familiar fragrance of my mom. The blanket on my bed is from home and smells like my mom. I realized something. "wow. I KNOW my mom." I really know her. <br />
I know her personality<br />
I know the way she walks<br />
I know which clothes belong to her at home.<br />
I know the sound even her car keys make.<br />
I can immediately know if she walks in a room, even if my back is turned. <br />
I know her voice. <br />
<br />
I don't know everything about my mom. Not everything. But it doesn't matter. Because I know HER. I may not know her thoughts, feelings, or reasons for doing everything. But it's ok because I know her. I know what she's like. I know her character. <br />
<br />
I can tell people all day long about my mom. They may know a lot about her, but they won't know her like I do. Even my sister. She knows my mom. She knows everything that I just listed. But their relationship isn't exactly the same. Other people can understand the relationship we have and maybe learn from it, but their relationship with her will never be exactly like my relationship with her. They can love her similarly, but they can't love her exactly the same. <br />
<br />
Quiet time earlier was about knowing God. I wanted to know God. But I still thought I can't. Deep down, I was thinking that I can't know God. Because I'm sinful. And he's holy. And he's a mystery. <br />
I said "God, I don't get it. But I want to" and walked away with that. <br />
He knew. <br />
He knew that He needed to put me in my room instead of the study room. He knew that if class was cancelled I would lay in my bed. He knew I would smell the blanket and immediately think "mom". He knew.<br />
Because God knows me, I can know Him. <br />
I can know his character.<br />
I can know his personality.<br />
I can know what words belong to Him.<br />
I can know what He sounds like. <br />
I can know His voice. <br />
<br />
I don't know everything about God. Not everything. I don't understand all the things He does. But that's ok. I know HIM. I know what He's like. I can trust his actions, because I know Him. <br />
I can tell people about Him all day long. People can tell me about their relationship with Him all the time. But no one's relationship with Him is exactly the same. Maybe I can understand His relationship with others and possibly learn from them because mine is similar, but no one can know Him EXACTLY like I know Him. No one can love Him exactly like I love Him. I can't love Him the way anyone else loves Him. And if all the mentors that are currently pouring into my life didn't exist, I could still know and love and talk to God. Simply because He knows and loves and talks to me. He KNOWS me. The King of kings knows me. <br />
~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
God, <br />
I wanna know you. Thank You that I can. Thank You that You reminded me how well I know my mom and how that relates to how I can know You. I can know what You sound like. I can know what You act like. I can know. I don't need anyone else to show me You. I just need You to show me. If no one else even existed, I could still know You. God, help me to learn You. Learn Your character. That way, I can go day to day without needing to know Your every reason behind everything. I can trust You because I know Your character. Because I know YOU. Thank You that You are incredibly holy yet incredibly accessible. Please keep showing Yourself to me. I wanna KNOW you. <br />
In Jesus' name<br />
AmenTaylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-27789914633764665712012-10-03T08:02:00.001-06:002012-10-03T11:15:25.713-06:00Hello, Huricane"Loves like a hurricane. I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy....."<br />
<br />
Whoa. I get it. Like, I get that line! Think about it. Really think about it. Whoa. It's incredible. <br />
<br />
A new friend challenged me last night to ask God to show me all over again how much He loves me. Well, I was going to, but I didn't even get the chance! He knew what I needed before I asked. (as always) I listened to this song, and heard that familiar first line.But, I heard it in a new way. "Loves like a hurricane..."<br />
I thought about it, and it blew my mind. <br />
Let me explain for those of you who live in states like South Dakota or California or Alaska where you get blizzards or earthquakes or whatever other weird weather it is you get that isn't a hurricane....<br />
What IS a hurricane?? 1st, LOTS of rain. Lots of it. In a hurricane, it rains and rains and rains. Sometimes, it seems like an endless amount of rain. Truly. It pours. It doesn't come and go,but it rains for days without stopping. If you go outside, there is water everywhere you see. It's clearly still falling from the sky, but anyone in Louisiana knows it doesn't just fall straight down. No, no. It becomes slanted. Even if you are under a carport or garage, you will be wet. Don't worry. In a hurricane, you canNOT escape the rain. Also, there's water on the ground and on your cars and flooding your driveway and overfilling your pond or pool and pouring from gutters and everything else you could possibly imagine. There is water truly everywhere. You can't do anything about it. No containing or controlling it. <br />
Get that first mental image. Really get it. Sit and close your eyes if you have to. See the water everywhere. <br />
Now, think of God's love..... Yeah. That's it. His love is everywhere. It is completely poured out on all His children. It's endless! There's lots and lots and lots of it. It doesn't just come and go based on our disobedience or rebellion or lack of love for God. It is there to stay. It floods into everything. We can't contain it or try to control it. <br />
<br />
2nd, hurricanes are lots of wind. "and I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy..."<br />
The wind in a hurricane is incredibly, extremely powerful. Huge trees bend and sway and sometimes fall. They try to remain standing on their own, but they cannot. They aren't strong enough to resist the wind. So they fall. The wind takes them over. Hurricane wind is strong. It doesn't just make trees fall. It affects everything in its path. Everything. And, it carries things away, too. Like, branches, trash, pieces of fences... It carries things away. It sounds a bit scary and dangerous, right? It is. It definitely is!<br />
This is God's love too. God's love is incredibly powerful and overwhelming. It affects everything in its path. Even when we think we are tough and strong and good enough on our own, we can't stand up to God's love. We can fight it as much as we want, but ultimately, it will win. Always. Every single time. God's love wins. It carries us away. It takes us places we never expected to go and give us bigger dreams and better thoughts and grows us and connects us to more people. It carries us away. It carries us, in general. When I can't take one more step. When I am crawling around, too weak to do anything else. When I feel like I can't take one more breath. When I am am too tired to fight. When I want to run away. When I want to stay where I am. When I can't get anywhere. It carries me. It picks me up and carries me. And I can't do anything about it except just accept it. Just let God's love carry me.<br />
Sometimes, just like the wind, God's love seems scary and dangerous. Sometimes God, in His love, shows us sin. He shows us what we need to do. He asks us to do scary things. He tells us to go places without even knowing all the steps. It is scary, and it's dangerous, but it is good. Because He is good. <br />
<br />
And that goes into the last part. Hurricanes have lasting effects. Power goes out, landscapes are changed, lessons are learned. Hurricanes last. The physical effects, and the memories. Hurricanes are not easily forgotten. <br />
God's love is the same. Once you encounter the love of God, it lasts. The effects don't wear off. You're different. Old things have been washed away and new things have come in their place. You are different. The effects, the memories, the lessons that come in an encounter of His love- they stay. They linger. His love stays. It changes you, it changes me. <br />
<br />
I could go on and on about this analogy. I could talk about how hurricanes bring families closer, how they simplify life, and how often you just decide to play or even dance in the rain instead of hiding inside. But I won't. I think you get it.<br />
<br />
He loves like a hurricane. Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-54683963129177626512012-09-30T13:27:00.001-06:002012-09-30T13:27:25.154-06:00Near and FarThis morning, I was extremely tempted to sleep in and not go to church. I had lots of excuses.<br />
1. I woke up too late...Now I only have 20 minutes to get ready.<br />
2. I'll listen to a sermon online.<br />
3. No one is going with me.<br />
4. I haven't slept all week.<br />
5. I'll do quiet time on my own<br />
6. No one knows....<br />
7. I have lots of homework....<br />
<br />
The list went on....and on... and on. <br />
<br />
But. I knew I needed to go. That's what you do, right? Good Christians go to church. It pleases God....<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">If I go to church, I will be honoring the Sabbath. and that's in the top ten.. so it's gotta be what I'm supposed to do. I have to go. I want to do what I'm supposed to. It's the right thing. It will please God if I go. If I don't go, it could become a habit. It can't become a habit. I have to stay in church. I won't become one of those statistics of college students who suddenly never go to church again. ugh. So I will get up. Oh, look, now I only have 15 minutes. That's not possible. Maybe I'll just not go. Besides, I'm probably going home next weekend and going to my church anyway. Nope, I have to go. I'm supposed to go. Get up, Taylor. Go to church. If you want to keep pleasing God, go. It's what you are supposed to do."</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
so I went. not with the right motives, but I went. And I'm really glad I did and that God uses even the worst of motives for His glory. Because He is good. and He wanted to teach me something.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The pastor opened with a story about Grover on Sesame Street doing a segment called "Near and Far" He said that Grover gets close to the camera while whispering "This is near" and then goes as war back as possible and shouts "THIS IS FAR". <br />
He then asked us a question: "For you, is salvation- is God- near, or far?"<br />
He showed this picture on the screen:<br />
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He said that so many people see their walk with God as this ladder. That we try to get to God. We try to please Him by doing a series of things that we think we are supposed to do. We have formulas of what we think good Christians are supposed to do. We do everything in our power to please Him. Each thing gets us one rung closer to God, and we think when we mess up we fall down a few steps. Then we have to do extra to get back not only to where we were, but past it. <br />
<br />
As if God wasn't already directly talking to me, he then showed this picture:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN6-VpcDgs8Co9nrHRdZ7TcngVLIqvSNwh3-D8QVTwF4HK870RdLG5mBkClTnUZhRIz_FqCGhbWny-0dA42bRbfXHmQFuUJfPZuDnq37N1PtCmwv7Shftdw93_Qkf8FkL3tRlJhy78y9eI/s1600/cb_bs_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" kea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN6-VpcDgs8Co9nrHRdZ7TcngVLIqvSNwh3-D8QVTwF4HK870RdLG5mBkClTnUZhRIz_FqCGhbWny-0dA42bRbfXHmQFuUJfPZuDnq37N1PtCmwv7Shftdw93_Qkf8FkL3tRlJhy78y9eI/s320/cb_bs_.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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He said sometimes we see our walk with God like this shovel. That God is so big and so mysterious. That He is full of unsearchable Truths. We have to dig deep, and work unearth these Truths, piece by piece. There are so many mysteries that we have to peel them back in layers of His character. We do whatever it takes to search these Truths out and just when we think we have gotten to the Treasure, we realize it is still far away, so we dig more. We work harder to get to the end of this treasure hunt, and we think that maybe, just maybe if we get enough knowledge, enough of the right tools, and dig deep enough into what we think, then we will find one or two truths about God. But we also think that we will never really find God. He's unsearchable.</div>
<br />
<br />
Now, God was speaking to me even more. Just last night, I posted a blog about me trying to search the layers of God's character. Trying to dig deep into the knowledge I have of Him to figure out what this new layer of Him was. And I had thought that no matter how much I search, I was never going to truly find Him. That He is too complicated.<br />
<br />
The pastor read Romans 10: 6-10<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">But the righteousness that is by faith says: “Do not say in your heart, ‘Who will ascend into heaven?’ (that is, to bring Christ down) “or ‘Who will descend into the deep?’ (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead). But what does it say? “The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart,” that is, the message concerning faith that we proclaim: If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">These verses are referencing Deuteronomy 30:11-14 (Don't you love how the Bible fits perfectly together?)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">This command I am giving you today is not too difficult for you to understand, and it is not beyond your reach. It is not kept in heaven, so distant that you must ask, ‘Who will go up to heaven and bring it down so we can hear it and obey?’ It is not kept beyond the sea, so far away that you must ask, ‘Who will cross the sea to bring it to us so we can hear it and obey?’ No, the message is very close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart so that you can obey it.</span><br />
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<br />
<br />
This is SO incredibly not about us, about me. I canNOT do anything to please God. I don't have to climb and climb and climb to somehow get myself to Him. I don't have to do a series of things that I think will get me closer. I also don't have to search and search and search to find Him. He's not a mystery treasure that is impossible to find. I don't have to dig and dig to get little tiny pieces of His truth,ultimately never finding Him. It is ALL about Him, and what He did for me. God isn't far away, because Jesus came near. Jesus came down from paradise and lived on earth with us. He breathed in our polluted air. He walked our streets that were made of dirt, instead of His streets of gold. He became one of us. He lived here. He understood what it was like to be here. He knew. he knows. <br />
<br />
I can know Him, because He knows me. Not because I try to learn about Him. He knows everything about me. He is not far away. He is Yahweh. He has been trying to teach me that, and apparently, I needed another reminder this morning. He is personal. He keeps his covenant. I can't do anything. He did everything. <br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
God, <br />
Give me a heart like Mary. I've got the Martha part covered. I have tried for weeks to please You with my actions. I have believed the lie that I need to DO instead of BE. Remind me also that I don't have to look very far to find you. I don't have to dig and dig and dig.. You are right here. always. Because You are Yahweh. Even when I mess up, You still show up. I'm sorry that I have tried to earn Your favor or whatever it is I'm trying to earn. I can't earn anything. No more climbing to get to You, because You already came to me. No more digging, because You aren't hidden, and You reveal Yourself to me when I ask. You came near. You are near. You aren't far. ever. <br />
In Jesus' name, Amen.<br />
<br />
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<br />Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-13217463141908341132012-09-29T22:34:00.001-06:002012-09-29T22:47:18.510-06:00With Fear and TremblingGod,<br />
<br />
I'm struggling. I feel like just the past 24 hours have so many lessons for me, but I can't quite figure out what they are. I want to know you, to love You better. I want to understand more about You and grow. But part of that scares me. A lot. Your lessons aren't easy, ever. That's why You said in order to follow You, one must pick up a cross daily. You also said to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. Well, I've got the fear part down. I'm literally so afraid of what You are going to show Me. I don't know why. Maybe because Your character is so developed an layered and manifold. You are challenging me, I know. I just don't know exactly how. I see myself growing every day and changing. But I know You are good. Even as I write this, You remind me of what my leader said to me in South Africa. She said You are my Dad. And that she sees me as a little girl being thrown up into the air by my dad, over and over. She said she could see me as being scared at first but then, after You catch me, begging "again, again!" Immediately when she told me that, I thought it was a cool analogy. I thought of sweet Laney. I babysit her all the time, and I used to throw her in the air and catch her when she was a bit younger. And I still do it to her brother Ethan sometimes. Every time, they get scared at first. But then they love it and beg for more. In South Africa, I thought of this image, but didn't really do anything with it. But South Africa, I'm learning, was just a starting point. The end of the trip was indeed just a beginning. You have done more in my life in the past few months than ever combined. July-September have been insane, particularly September. You have taught me lessons and challenged me, and brought me to the edge of everything I know. Each and every time I have been terrified. I can look back at old blog entries and know that. I was terrified of asking You to kill my pride, but now that You are, I see the reward of it. So, I know that even if I come to You trembling, I must come. I want You to continue with whatever You are doing. Help me to trust that when some things don't quite make sense, they will one day. Help me to remember that everything works together for my good and for Your glory. Help me to remember everything is about Your glory. Change my fickle heart, and rid it of everything that doesn't need to be there. Even if it hurts, even if it's hard, even if it's crazy. Change my heart. Make me know that You will carry onto completion the great work You have begun in me- that You will never let me go. When I'm scared and want to just retreat and pretend these new lessons aren't in front of me, help me press on. I'll want to ignore some things and pretend I never heard them. That way I won't have to decide what I believe about them. Don't let me. Help me press in. Change my heart. You can have all my fears, God. You can have all my sin. You can have all my weaknesses. I know You're with me to the very end. I know You're with me to the very end.<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
"Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come.<br />
Please root from my heart all of those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then Thou shalt make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need for the sun to shine in it, for Thyself shall be the light of it, and there Shall be no night there.<br />
In Jesus' name<br />
Amen"-- A.W. TozerTaylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-76807808061291237712012-09-24T23:31:00.001-06:002012-09-25T14:55:28.248-06:00The King and the Village.Picture this: <br />
There is a beautiful, majestic mountain range. Between two mountains there is a lush, green valley with many colorful flowers that smell gloriously lovely. In the valley is a gentle and quiet stream that flows ever so perfectly right through the center of a village. It is Spring all the time in this village. Birds are chirping, people are out and about, life is in the air. It is full of glee. Like, better than something from Disney. Everyone is happy and joyful and wonderful all the time in this village. <br />
You, and me, and all of our friends... We live in this village. Right in the center of the valley. Why is everyone so happy here? Why? Well, we can see the top of the mountain. And on the mountain is a huge, ancient castle. And we know that in that castle lives our king. And oh man do we LOVE our king. He is wise and fair and kind and good. He gives us good gifts and tests everyone equally. I mean, we really love the king. But there is a problem. We are afraid to approach the king. Even though we know all of this about him. You see, we are afraid, because we know who we are. And what are we exactly? Well, we...we are an entire village of prostitutes. It is in our character. That is just what we do. But. Prostitution is against the king's law, and it breaks his heart. So we know that if we approach the king, he will be angry. But since it is just who we are we accept the fact that we can never change- prostitution is in our nature. So we live separated from the king.<br />
But one day.... One day we hear the draw bridge lowering. We hear a giant horse galloping out of the castle gate. We see him go around and around the mountain. He is coming to us. The horse gets to our village and there is a representative of the king. This man pulls out a scroll and reads:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"Hear ye, hear ye! Seeing as how prostitution has clearly been declared as against the king's law, and seeing that this is a village of prostitutes, you are all violators of the law. This being said, all violators shall, from here on out, be..."</span><br />
<br />
We know what is coming. We know he is going to say beheaded or banished or hanged or imprisoned. We prepare ourselves for our terrible fate.<br />
But we are NOT prepared for what the representative says. <br />
<br />
"...<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">all violators shall be.... Forgiven"</span><br />
<br />
What?! We are forgiven? Woohooooo!!! We get excited...nay, ecstatic! We throw a party! We have been forgiven!! We revel in this wonder. The party lasts for days! Like, I mean party like it is 1999 kind of party. We celebrate and laugh and dance! We are forgiven!!<br />
<br />
But- when the joy wears off, guess what. What do we do? We go back to doing what we do. Doing what is in our nature. Because that is who we are. We go right back into our own lifestyle.<br />
<br />
Days later. Same scenario. Draw bridge, horse, representative, scroll. <br />
<br />
"<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Hear ye, hear ye! Seeing as how prostitution has clearly been declared as against the king's law, and seeing that this is a village of prostitutes, you are all violators of the law. This being said, all violators shall, from here on out, be forgiven...... AND...."</span><br />
<br />
What? There is an and? What could possibly come after and? We are forgiven aren't we? Or is it going to say forgiven and only for a time?... And still banished? And...what? What is it going to say?!<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">"....forgiven AND adopted."</span><br />
<br /> Adopted? Yes, adopted! The representative says that the king means it! He says we don't have to have the awkward fear of approaching the king anymore. He says "Look, go to the castle. In the castle you each have your own room. It's got your name on it, so you'll know. Don't worry. Anyway, go to your room. You will have a wardrobe. In the wardrobe is a whole line of the finest royal robes. These robes are for you to wear. So c'mon! Get your stuff....actually, leave your stuff because it's junk.... And go to the castle!!! You have a little bit of food to eat here, but up there is an entire feast waiting for you! And, It doesn't matter at all what you are wearing now. Obviously your clothes are dirty and old and worn. But you can put on the royal robes and be the king's children!! You don't have to live in the village of prostitutes anymore. That doesn't have to define you! LET'S GO!!!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
So we go. And it changes who we are. Prostitution isn't just what we do anymore. It is what we used to do. But the king changes everything. <br />
<br />
That is what grace is. God is the King, we are the village that breaks his heart. But He changes who we are.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-38030840280926104312012-09-24T14:01:00.004-06:002012-09-24T14:01:48.398-06:00 Love? He means It.It is 10 am and this day has already been a struggle. Mainly because I sin. <br /><br />Earlier this morning I began to write this:<br />
"I resent some people I've never even met. Yep. I do. And some people that I have met. Why? Because I'm protective, and obsessive. When I become friends with someone, I pretty much sign up for life. It's true. But the problem is, part of me wants to be their <em><strong>favorite</strong></em> friend. Like, they can't love anyone else as much as-- and <u>definitely</u> not more than-- me. No, I must be the favorite. I must be the one they tell everything to, the one they miss most, the one they talk to most, the one they love most. They can have other friends, but they have to like me better. AND I worry whether or not they mean the phrase "I love you' when they say it to me. I SO desperately want them to mean it, but I tend to think it is just a phrase.........What is that about?!"<br />
<br />
and just now *ding* an email. I exited out of my blog app and opened my mail. It was from another blog I subscribe to. It was about how the author cares much about what others think, but that we should actually care what Christ thinks. OH, did I mention the writer of this blog was one of the very friends I was thinking about when I began writing my initial post, a friend that I am obsessive and protective over?<br />
God did that on purpose. <br />
<br />
It was so much of a confirmation and a reminder of where I was going with my original post. God's opinion matters- not those of people. <br />Not only do my friend and I both struggle with a desire to be loved and liked and thought about, but it reminded me that she is incredibly human- <br />
just. like. me. <br />
<br />
Why do I care so much about whether she, or any other friend, misses me?<br />
Why do I repeatedly check to see if that dumb "like" button has been clicked on my posts?<br />Why do I absolutely <em>crave</em> the love and approval of people?<br /><br />More importantly,<br /><br />How often do I ask <strong><em>God</em></strong> what He thinks of me? <br />
not often enough.<br />
I spend so much time sending encouraging messages to people. Do I do it truly to encourage, or because I want them to think I'm sweet? <br />
I spend hours daydreaming, scheming, and planning surprises. Why? to bring God's joy, or to get a higher rank on my imaginary "surprise mastery" scale? <br />
Why do I do the things I do? for my glory or for God's? I don't ask that enough. I don't ask Him if he would click "like" on my actions. I don't ask Him if I am bringing glory to Him. But I should. Because He LOVES me! a lot. More than any person ever could. ever. His opinion is what matters. That is it. nothing else. It does not matter whether or not another imperfect human just like me approves of me. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Because when Yahweh says "I love you" He really, really really means it. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br />Abba,<br />
This is my prayer of confession. I am so sorry that I care more about what people think than what You think. Please forgive me. Please change my heart. make it look like Yours. I say I love You, but I want my life to line up with that. I want to care more about what You have to say about me than what people have to say. Help me to remember that You and You alone are what matters. I want my life to be for nothing except Your glory.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-51754356356109578692012-09-22T11:32:00.001-06:002012-09-22T11:32:40.145-06:00A letter from the KingPrincess,<br />
I AM Yahweh. Do you get it, my love? Do you get it? I AM Yahweh. Not just God. Not just Lord. Not just King. Yahweh. Do you know what that means? It means personal, covenant keeping God. I keep My promises, always. Even when you wait and wait and wait I AM still faithful. Because my timing is perfect, and you cannot even grasp it. I love you. That is it. I love you. Not because of what you do, what you think, or what you say. But I love you just because You exist, I love you. <br />
I love you. <br />
I've got you. <br />
You've bought into the lie that I have let you go, just because you can't hear me. You are terrified that you don't belong to me. Time out. Those are lies of my enemy. All of your life you have been scared deep down you don't belong to me. All of your life, it has been a lie. I knew you as I created the world. I knew you even then. I knew you, and I know you now. I know your heart, and your mind. I want you to trust Me so badly. I want you to worry about today. How you can glorify Me today. Not months from now. Today. I want you to truly take one step at a time and not try to skip steps along the way. I have you, and you are Mine. Nothing you do could ever separate you from My love. Nothing. Because I love you this much, I AM working in You. I knew when I gave my life for you that you would mess up. I knew you would fail. I knew you'd run from me. I know every single thing about you, and I <br />
Love<br />
You<br />
Anyway. <br />
Don't give up on Me. Don't lose hope. Don't lose trust. Don't let go. I AM right here, right now. I AM with you. That is it. Nothing else matters. I AM here. <br />
I. Love. You.<br />
<br />
<br />
With my everything,<br />
Yahweh.Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8522818245560594553.post-3484224077947960422012-09-21T10:12:00.001-06:002012-09-21T10:40:11.473-06:00Working for GraceStatement: "You are a fighter."<br />
<br />
My reacting thoughts: "What does that even mean?" <br />
<br />
After about a week, I think I get it. I think it can be positive or negative.<br />
I AM a fighter. I fight to do the right thing. I fight to hear God's voice. I fight to please Him, to make Him like me better.<br />
<br />
--Flashback:: She said "There is a striving in you that God wants to stop. I don't know if it's so that people will like you better, or that God will like you better, but it's a lie." --<br />
<br />
Why do I fight? Why do I beg and plead to hear God's explicit direction? Why do I fight to hear truth from<br />
people, when God has already given me truth in His Word? I am a fighter? Time out!! I don't need to be. Jesus is fighting for me. Actually, He has already won. When He died on the cross He didn't say "It is begun." He didn't say "It will be finished." He cried out with everything He had left "IT IS FINISHED." <br />
Done. That's it. Nothing else. "It is finished." The battles to kill my flesh? I don't need to- I can't- fight them. I have to let Him do that. The wall I feel is there, somehow blocking me from<br />
Him? Only He can make it fall. All the doubt, the confusion, the lack of knowing precisely what to do, the worry, the over active imagination, the logic/ seemed lack of logic, the questions, everything-- Why have I been trying to fight them on my own the past couple of days? I'm trying to earn what's already been given to me freely. <br />
I think maybe if I can show Him I'm dedicated, maybe if I can do the right thing, maybe if I can show Him I want to be obedient, then maybe He will speak. Maybe He will finally give me wisdom and direction.<br />
What is that?! Cleaning up my act before I come to Him? No. Just no! He knows my life is messy. He knows, and He's always known, that I'll fail Him. He knows, but He loves me anyway. He is Yahweh. The personal, covenant keeping God. He doesn't agree to keep the promises if I hold up my end. There are no conditions. He promised on that cross that It is finished, and that is what he meant. The battle is already won. I am not fighting for victory, but fighting from it. I don't need to do anything. Except trust, and wait. That is it. <br />
<br />
Jesus, forgive me for fighting a battle that I don't even belong in. You have the victory, and You have won. I can't earn anything from You. I can't fight for peace, because I can't understand it. You promise peace that passes understanding. So instead of wisdom, I am asking for Your peace. I'm asking You to quiet my mind and my heart and let me hear You in the quiet whisper. You have won, and I am not big enough to mess up Your plan. <br />
<br />
<br />
Challenge: "Sit quietly and wait.Stop fighting."<br />
<br />
Reward: peace. <br />
<br />
Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10503406681785019818noreply@blogger.com0